Not enjoying yet another cup of crap coffee I just made. It might be that we don't have any sugar in this house, and the coffee is some strong Turkish shit that needs to be razzle dazzled with cream, sugar and possibly a combo of the two..my favorite - whipped cream.

I stole a bunch of sugar packets from Coffee Bean a few months ago and we just ran out. I stuck the packets in the silverware drawer, I was bit manic looking for a packet and almost sliced my finger on a big effin knife. I didn't, but would have been mad at myself if I did.

This past week was not a good one for me mentally. Sometimes I slip into a few days of really dark depression... and it happened to me this week. It use to happen A LOT during my first year of sobriety and it freaked me out. I tried to get free anti-depressants from a health clinic but there was a lot of paper work involved so I was like eff that red taped system, I'll just sleep though the pain.

The depression doesn't hit as often and hard these days, but it still sneaks up on me. I guess I'm writing about it b/c I want it out of my vessel. It could be alcoholism...I was arguing with a friend this week and that's what triggered it....my obsessive mind couldn't get enough it and before you know it - I was in bed for 2 days. If my mother was reading this she'd be like "OH MY GOD, you just need to get over stuff like that. That is nothing wait until you have kids. Look at those people in Haiti".

For me...and most people who aren't "robots" - you don't get over shit until you get INTO the shit. That's my experience. Yeah, sure I could just be like "Well fuck him, I'll move on". Then it gets buried and comes back up again b/c it still lives. And, it'll come out at some random moment - maybe when you are at the grocery store - or at on a date - or in a public restroom - and the rage bubbles out of you and strikes the innocent.

Fuck that. Let me sleep for two days, hit the bottom of feeling, be honest with my friend (even if it is telling him to fuck off) and BOOM. That's "getting over it". The next time someone tells me to "get over it" I'm gonna say "your words are ugly".

Or something.


Ok. Gotta go. Oh that picture of me is from the Supper's Ready Show.

Yee haw.

Peace,
Amber