Public Bravado

2010-11-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

This blog is an endangered species. It's here, but going away soon. I might start another one. I feel like all the stuff I wrote on here for years and years, should just stay here and I'll move on. I can start a new one.

This blog has been such a great outlet for me, and I can always look back on it and see what a fuckin nutjob I am.

Ok. This is it. The End. I will post a link to my new blog when it's up. Thanks for reading.

Oh, I can't go out with a rangatang- bang.

Check out my latest dance video. And, thanks for everything.

Peace,
Amber

2010-09-19T23:42:00.001-07:00

My latest dance video - hope you like it.

2010-09-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my favorite cafe in West Hollywood - JOEY'S.

I used to live right around the corner from this place on Fountain and Sweetzer, my first apartment in LA. I'd saunter down here in my pj's with my neighbors and order the "Joey's Omelette". We usually sat outside, so we could smoke. Nothing like still being slightly drunk from the night before and tokin' a smoke after a big meal.

Today, I sit here wearing the clothes I wore last night - eating an omelette - but I'm sitting inside so I don't have to inhale other people's inhaled-exhaled smoke. I'm wearing the same clothes I wore last night b/c they don't stink, and it lessens my laundry load.

I don't know really what the fuck I wanna write about. I do...but I don't. My full time job is over, going back to part-time (15 hours a week) and I'm moving out of the Brentwood guesthouse I've been living in for the past five months. I'm moving to a storage unit, then I'm going to Asia for 3 weeks - BY MYSELF. I'm getting a little nervous. I've been to South Africa (Mauritius) by myself, but not really - my friend lives there - so I technically just did the transit by myself.

I've been overseas a few times....but I blacked out a lot. So, this is my first time making a huge trip booze-less - but - at least I'm not boob-less.

I was in Colorado last week. It was nuts. I took a little boy that I work with, a 7 year old with Autism. I laughed, cried, and had one nervous breakdown. My family couldn't have been sweeter. They fell in love with him. He's so damn cute, I hope he had fun. I took him to the mountains, he hated it. But, he loved all the pizza, swimming and Thomas the Tank engine youtube videos...so maybe...just maybe he got something out of it. I did. It's a secret.

Ok, I'm sort of sad but hopeful in this moment. Gonna go for a hike, but first I have to go buy some shorts. I forgot to pack some and don't want to drive home to get some. Thankfully there is a thrift store next door, I'll purchase some used athletic bottoms that used to cover someone elses bottoms. Disgusting, but when you live a life on the go like I do - bottoms become you - in more ways than one.

Peace,
Amber

2010-08-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I've been writing but keepin it real private. Don't worry, nobody cares. BUT - I did make a new dance video. Hope you love it. Peace, Amber

2010-06-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing but I can't be too honest b/c sometimes people actually read this thing I guess.

The more and more I know people read what I write, the more I censor myself. Maybe that's why celebrities get freaked out and scared and their work starts to suck shit sauce. That's disgusting.

Only 40 people read this thing, but everyone I'm friends with is my friend on Facebook so I can't post anything about them. Not that it would be bad...but ya ... ya know - maybe raw?

One time I posted a really passive aggressive comment on Facebook. I knew it was immature. I knew it would cause problems. I knew it was so gross. I did it anyway. I hit the publish button and just sat back and waited for people to get upset.

I guess being sober - I seek the darkness in sneaky ways.

Still sober. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, it's also the biggest test of character that the Universe could create. AND, it goes way beyond just not drinking or doing drugs. It goes way further than that. It dips into relationships, living situations, jobs, etc- it takes a lot of "choices" to feel good in sobriety - and they don't always make you feel good. It's basically doing the right thing. Which sounds so fuckin cliche and boring and it almost makes me want to real bad so I can almost feel cool. Or Something. I don't know.

I'm in some pain right now. I have to sit with it. No easy fix. Just gonna sit and wait - as if a flight is delayed. It's outta my hands and it's not a "problem" - it just is.

Good day.

Peace,
Amber

2010-06-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

AAAAAACKKA A LACKKA SHACK I SHOULD LIVE IN!

Fuck.

I wonder when it's all gonna be ok. I know it already is ok, and right before I die I'm gonna think I'm silly for feeling the way I feel (anxious, worried, bananas). I just feel like a cloud of hell is hovering over me and it might just suck me up into it's precipitation and make me soggy.

Whatever.

I went to Co last week for my Uncle Woody's funeral. I don't think I have fully recovered from the event. He choked on a piece of steak and died. It's a shocking way to exit. An accident. Accidents are always so much worse then an old person dying -- it's like BOOM. BYE.

I wasn't super close to my Uncle, but he was such a character and was such a strong presence in our family - it was devastating. I've never seen my mom and grandma babe so sad. It's rough watching people you think are invincible cry and sob...but it was also sort of humbling. In a good way - sort of the Universe whispering "we are all the same and we all die one day so be kind and love your life".

All I know is that Uncle Woody was a super funny guy and I will miss the shit out of him. He had a whacky walk and a contagious laugh. And, he was super giving - he was always asking me if I needed money or anything and he bought dinner/drinks/toys/things for his friends and strangers. Over 1000 people showed up to his funeral/after party - it was insane the amount of people who were there to hug our family.

Ok. I have to get on with things.

To do list for today.

-Flush out characters for script
-Post Office - Re-new passport
-Hike, arms, abs
-Return Emails

Ok. Not so bad. I'm gonna stop putting pressure on myself to do a gazillion things a day.

Ok. Bye bye.

Peace,
Amber

2010-05-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

My brain has flatlined. For the past two weeks I haven't had much mania (I sort of like this b/c I tend to write with furious fingers when I feel manic) - but my brain is gone blah. It's like ____________ instead of /|/\/\/\ - does this make sense?

It's my fault. I've been isolating.

Here's the deal - I'm living by myself now. In a cute little guest house and I HAVE NEVER lived alone before. It's both glorious and not glorious. I'm so used to sharing the common living area with someone where there is at least a little conversation that goes on like

Roommate - Hey. What are you doing today?
Me - Um. I don't know - hiking, writing. You?
Roommate - Oh, I have a meeting then I gotta go to the DMV.

The End.

Sounds boring but it's human interaction.

But- my new place. It's just me. Oh, and I have a TV and cable (ALL THE CHANNELS). Oh, and the fuckin bed is amazing. It used to belong to rich people. It's a hand me down - but it's the most comfortable thing I have ever slept on. It's such a problem. I think of this bed when I'm out at night. I crave being in it. I'm like "Is this how rich people sleep?" What the fuck? I never understand why things are so expensive - and now I'm getting it. I guess I'm so used to spending little money on "workable" products and when I see a mattress, some clothes, and or chocolate that are super expensive - I'm like "WHY? WHO WOULD PAY THAT MUCH MONEY FOR THAT?"

Then. I experience the expensive stuff and I'm like "OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING. I WANT TO HAVE MORE MONEY SO I CAN LIVE LIKE A RICH PERSON".

Sounds materialistic and supposedly the best things in life are free - but this mattress is making re-think my financial status. This amazing sleep I'm getting is inspiring me to make a shit load of money so I can sleep like a rich person.

Anyway - that's that. Needless to say, I won't be making any money by sleeping so I gotta knock it off.

I'm so paranoid I have agoraphobia...but only a little paranoid. So, I guess it's manageable.

I've been weird with my sobriety too. I've been missing that euphoric feeling I used to get with booze and it's scary. My brain is like "So what if you drank too much and made bad decisions - at least you had fun. Look at you now, staying home alone laying around in a rich person's bed watching TV". You used to be out all of the time, dancing, performing comedy...now what? Oh, you are sober. Good for you, you boring lady."

My brain is mean. The kicker is - if I were drinking I wouldn't be sleeping in a rich person's bed. I'd probably be on someone floor diggin through an ashtray smoking already smoked cigarettes.

Ok. Good. Glad I'm sober.

Oh, and fuckin comedy. I go through these spells where I'm convinced I'm gonna quit and then I obsess why I should or shouldn't quit.

I'm doing another Mbar show on Monday - fancy people are on it and it's gonna sell out. I haven't been doing comedy lately -and I might bomb. AND/OR it'll be one of those amazing shows where I lose it on stage and people find it entertaining. Who knows... but all I know is that I'm rusty.

Fuck it.

Gonna work on my movie.

Enjoy your life.

Peace,
Amber

2010-04-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Moving to Brentwood this weekend.

BRENTWOOD = OJ SIMPSON

OJ SIMPSON = STABBING

STABBING = SCARY

SCARY = MY FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIES

MY FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIES = THE TOPIC OF THIS POST.

Phew. Glad I figured out what I wanted to write about. Scary movies? No. Maybe just good movies. I like shitty movies too. About once a month I go see a shitty movie with my friends Katie and Sharon. LIke, we know it's gonna be so shitty we can't NOT see it. Next week we are planning on seeing THE BACK UP PLAN - and we plan on it being sooooooooooo effin shitty, man. Like so shitty. Katie and Sharon always have funny things to say during the movie...like rippin on the shit. I sort of get quiet and just watch the shit out of the shit. I have nothing to say sometimes about how shitty something is. I just sit and soak in it.

I get quiet sometimes. Real quiet. I usually get quiet in a situation where everyone else has something to say. I like listening and over analyzing who is saying what - then I try to figure out their motivation. I'm not much fun to be around when I get like this - but I feel like if I say something just for the sake of saying something.... it's not gonna benefit anyone so it's best that I just keep my mother effin mouth shut and observe my thoughts.

Glad I figured that out.

So...oh yeah movies. I'm taking a screenwriting class and it's really amazing. It's sooooo hard. Writing a movie is hard. Maybe I should think it's easy so I won't procrastinate but you really have figure shit out, especially the characters. Fuck man. I have some shit to get done. Hopefully watching THE BACK UP PLAN will give me a plan on how to not write a shitty movie. I hope that movie is the shittiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I'm a little distracted b/c of the move I'm going through. My room is a friggin disaster. I just threw everything on the floor and I'm trying to sort it out. I put things in boxes and labeled them - that's a step up for me. I've moved so many times in my life, I just shove things around and never really organize it. But this time - you guys - hey you guys - are you still here? I know this is fuckin boring BUT COME ON! KEEP READING! I LABELED BOXES - "SHOES, HANGERS, BOOKS, PICTURES". This is very important and I've never done it before. I just assume I'll remember what is where. Can you believe that shit?

Anyway -I have like 90 people...ok 2 people trying to chat with me on Gmail so I gotta go.

Have a great life.

Peace,
Amber

PS. MY FAVORITE KIND OF MOVIES = RANTING ABOUT LABELING BOXES

2010-04-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

I love the mornings. I like getting up and doing something right away - that's what the morning offer. Wake up, get up, move your body, start...something.

I'm drinking crap coffee, again. I'm waiting for the day I make a great cup of coffee, I hope it's a Thursday.

I've been busy. Real busy. I feel a little burnt out with stand up...I think after April - my bender will come to an end and I will focus more on side projects and dancing videos.

Here's my latest - it was a beautiful disaster.

God this coffee is so bad....I wonder if there is poison in it.

OH shitness. It's Easter. Holy holy egg yolk. Gotta call my family after work today.

Ok, I'm fighting off a cold and my brain is in s l o w m o t i o n.

Gonna drink a lot of water and try to sweat out the snot.

Have a good one.

Peace,
Amber

2010-03-07T08:29:00.000-08:00

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok.

5 Ok's in a row - that means I'm prepping my mind for what to say next.

Ah, who gives a shit. Just write.

I saw ALICE IN WONDERLAND over the weekend. I really loved every minute of it. Everyone was really effin great in it. I liked how they touted mad and crazy people as the best people ever. The Mad Hatter reminded me of someone who might have autism, the crazy rabbit too. I like bizarre behavior. I like "weirdos". I think I enjoy the idea of being perfect and charming, like it's something to think and ponder about - but to be truly quirky has got to be a favorite trait of mine in people. People who try to be quirky can go to hell, but the true ones are fun.

I also saw VALENTINES DAY which was a steaming load of shit.

You win some ya lose some.

I've been doing a lot of comedy lately. I did 2 shows for Montreal and I've been sort of working the same set over and over. Sick of it. I sound like a robot at this point. Oh well, name of the game. Gotta figure out a way to sell it all the time no matter what. That's dramatic "all the time, no matter what" - that's like gymnastics coach talk.

I was a competitive gymnast when I was a kid. There was about 2 years when I was on a "team" - we would travel and compete in meets. I think I hated it. I hate gymnastics - I liked flipping around and getting that adrenal rush but I hated the conformity of it all. The strict coaches, the girls hating their bodies. I remember I smashed my face on the balance beam once trying to do a back walk over. My hands split apart and I landed on my face. After that, I would obsess about gymnastics practice in school.... I'd get anxiety attacks about gymnastics while I was doing a math worksheet. Alcoholic thinking....started early.

Anyway - I gotta go.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

The next SUPPER'S READY. Are you ready?

Ok. That's cool.

Bye bye.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-19T11:44:00.001-08:00

I realize that my last post was really cocky .... and I am happy to report that I am still better than most people.

What has gotten into me?

The only that that has changed is my vitamin intake. I'm not kidding. I'm going to call my vitamin recipe the "cocky concoction".

Bye bye.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hey You Sneaky Snooks,

What's a snook? Wouldn't you like to know, all you need to know is that snooks are sneaky. (Snook is not inspired by Snookie from Jersey Shore, I've never watched that show. Got it? Good.)

This month I've been in a couple of arguments with people. And, the best thing about it is -I know I'm right. I know it's more important to focus on a positive solution for whatever the problem is...but come on. We are humans - and after I put all emotion aside, and lay out the facts - yep I'm totally right. I tend to be so laid back sometimes, people look at it as a weakness or a "soft spot" an easy target to pounce on - but thankfully I was born with a back boner, I mean bone.

Either that or I have had a pattern of people in my life that are jealous of me, and passive aggressively attack. I know this sound so cocky "people get jealous of me" but fuck it. People get jealous of other people, it's natural. I'm sure someone has been jealous of YOU before and tried to attack you in a sneaky snook way- you might just not write about it on your blog. Do you have a blog? COME ON. Get on it. Blog your brains out and let the people judge you.

I hate the feeling of someone being upset with me, but after the emotion of fear goes away, I get pissed, then I don't care. If I am wrong, I apologize. If I am right, I apologize. BUT - the difference is when I'm right, apologizing makes me even more right.

I could've been more mature and more professional when handling the arguments, but I'm way to honest of a person (sometimes even when it doesn't benefit me) and I can't function "normally" around conformed people who live a life of normalcy. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my heart sometimes looks like a devil with the pulse in a cage with a metal chain around its neck that reads Sneaky Snook. I guess that means I'm a hypocrite, but oh well!

I'm gonna work on creative positive solutions, don't get jealous.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

Sally Field as Gidget - my doppleganger last week on Facebook. I hate that word "doppleganger" - it either reminds me of something they would use in politics when referring to war and/or something pornographic. I never say the word, but I'll write it. Gidget, I'm sort of jealous of the relationship she had with her dad. That's probably why her smile is so damn big "I have a man in my life that is kind, caring and honest - and will set the tone for my future relationships". Good for fuckin you Gidget.

Why am I all pissed off at Gidget and her dad? Actually - the creator of Gidget's character , Frederick Kohner, based everything on his daughter Kathy. So OF COURSE this guy is gonna portray himself as an awesome guy.

Oy.

I'm feeling better - I think the cure to my depression is just staying out of control busy. When I'm supah dupah busy, I CRAVE doing nothing like a I used to crave getting wasted - but I gotta get my ass out of and about. Otherwise, my mind grasps onto a worry and spins it out of control until I'm so full of fear, I panic and stop living.

But the good news is, I only have these "spells" once in awhile now.

I found someone to interview for my next NICE TO MEET YA blog. She's a recovering alcoholic, and she's really effin funny with the best stories. I'm hoping she spills her guts - she has some great celebrity stories. Not b/c she's famous and/or is a star fucker or anything - but she is friends with an A lister and worked at place Nicole Kidman frequented. I hope she spills it - if she doesn't I'll just write it on this silly blog latah.

Ok. Gotta go. I'm going bowling today with my little autistic friend.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

Not enjoying yet another cup of crap coffee I just made. It might be that we don't have any sugar in this house, and the coffee is some strong Turkish shit that needs to be razzle dazzled with cream, sugar and possibly a combo of the two..my favorite - whipped cream.

I stole a bunch of sugar packets from Coffee Bean a few months ago and we just ran out. I stuck the packets in the silverware drawer, I was bit manic looking for a packet and almost sliced my finger on a big effin knife. I didn't, but would have been mad at myself if I did.

This past week was not a good one for me mentally. Sometimes I slip into a few days of really dark depression... and it happened to me this week. It use to happen A LOT during my first year of sobriety and it freaked me out. I tried to get free anti-depressants from a health clinic but there was a lot of paper work involved so I was like eff that red taped system, I'll just sleep though the pain.

The depression doesn't hit as often and hard these days, but it still sneaks up on me. I guess I'm writing about it b/c I want it out of my vessel. It could be alcoholism...I was arguing with a friend this week and that's what triggered it....my obsessive mind couldn't get enough it and before you know it - I was in bed for 2 days. If my mother was reading this she'd be like "OH MY GOD, you just need to get over stuff like that. That is nothing wait until you have kids. Look at those people in Haiti".

For me...and most people who aren't "robots" - you don't get over shit until you get INTO the shit. That's my experience. Yeah, sure I could just be like "Well fuck him, I'll move on". Then it gets buried and comes back up again b/c it still lives. And, it'll come out at some random moment - maybe when you are at the grocery store - or at on a date - or in a public restroom - and the rage bubbles out of you and strikes the innocent.

Fuck that. Let me sleep for two days, hit the bottom of feeling, be honest with my friend (even if it is telling him to fuck off) and BOOM. That's "getting over it". The next time someone tells me to "get over it" I'm gonna say "your words are ugly".

Or something.

Ok. Gotta go. Oh that picture of me is from the Supper's Ready Show.

Yee haw.

Peace,
Amber

2010-02-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

Doodles...dooodles....doodles.

It's 6:30 am and I'm not enjoying the coffee I made. The coffee I make sucks 8 out of 10 times, that means I get a B in making shitty coffee. I always pour to much or too little coffee in the filter- who cares -Haiti is a fuckin mess!

So, the big show was last night. Supper's Ready - it was really fun but I wish there were about 20 more audience members. The line up supah supah fab - Marc Maron is simply fantastic and Mary Lynn Rajskub inspires me to take more chances as a performer. Greg Proops killed, Andy Blitz has some of the most interesting ways of looking at texting while dying and Jim Jefferies told a great story about the time he helped his disabled friend get a blow job.

My set was pretty good - I had to go up first and only got 7 or 8 minutes (b/c I'm not famous) but I'm happy (not thrilled) with it. I think I'm almost through this barrier in my mind of - like this blockage that I sometimes I get when I'm on stage. I'm almost to a point where I can "fix it" in the moment and it all has to do with BREATHING. Yeah yeah. When I don't breathe on stage - nothing new comes to me - but the second I feel my belly up with air - something magical happens (and then I fart it out later).

So yeah yeah. I'm glad it's over - we just need to find out ways to get people there. I mean, the line up was amazing, but LA is sort of jaded and it's harder to get people to come out to shows in this mother effin town.

Anyhoots - on my way to work. I'm training a new therapist (autism behaviorist) at an elementary school. She has potential you guys...she really does.

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

It's all happening. Excited and nervous about things. I'm hosting this show (move eyeballs to bird flyer). Yeah -it's finally here.

Everything else is cool. I've accepted the fact that I'm a crazy person. Ok. That's it.

How are YOU?

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-16T22:17:00.000-08:00

Back from Colorado - gonna write this post bullet point aka hyphen style.

- Trip was fun but fast.
-B+ on my Montreal set
-My computer crashed
-I made another dance video
-I still feel uncomfortable around family even though they are "nice"
-I realized I like my stepdad a lot
-Going on a ski trip tomorrow with kids with Autism
-I forgot to bring back pizza from my mom's restaurant
-I am exhausted
-I wanna go to sleep
-That's what I'll do

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine took a bunch of headshot the other day, he's a comic. He was telling rape jokes the entire time. I wonder if this is the face I'll make right before I get raped. I hope not.

I'll write more later.... I feel like talking on the phone instead of writing.

Bye bye.

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

I just need to write a to do list. I'm not in the mood to explore a paragraph.

-Laundry
-Hike
-Gifts for the fam
-Bank
-Talk to Lesley
-Meeting or Movie?
-Write social story for fun kid
-Do a six minute comedy set in living room and time it.
-Shower (gotta shave today)
-Book some shows in Feb
-Find Camera - Charge it up

Ok. I think that's good. I REALLY just want to lounge and do nothing. But if I did that, I'd be super pissed at my existence and wish I were something I'm not.

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado ... 5 days. 3 comedy shows. I'm auditioning for Montreal on Wed. night. I REALLY want this. I usually don't care - but this time I really do. I've been to the Montreal Comedy Fest a few years ago, performed at it and got drunk every night and had the shakes during the day. The show I'm auditioning for is NEW FACES. Talent scouts check your shit out and shit. I mean, people say nothing really ever happens if you do NEW FACES - but if all that happens is nothing - I'm ok with it.

Ok. Gonna practice my set in the living room. I need six organized minutes.

ORGANIZED - Functioning within a formal structure, as in the coordination and direction of activities.

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-09T23:32:00.000-08:00

This is a pic of my Grandma getting the old "whatchyou got Grandma?" pat down at the airport. Looks like she's enjoying it. I love my Grandma. Her nickname is Babe. Grandma Babe. I think someone called her that in her teens or 20's and it just stuck, she was such a dame 70 years later, even her grandkids are calling her "babe". Sort of twisted but whatever, hot chicks dominate, even when they are past their prime.

I don't know why I'm posting a picture of my grandma and talking about how hot she is. I love her to pieces, but I'm not quite sure how entertaining it is for the public. I'll tell you this much, she has tons of addictive type pain killers in her medicine cabinet and she doesn't take them. They are just left over prescriptions from a surgery she had last year, I think she should sell them. I told her that - she could make some money - percocet, vicodin - ya know. I don't think I could sell the pills to addicts, but maybe someone who was REALLY in pain and didn't have health insurance or something. 20 bucks a pill, maybe 30 - if they are really in pain they'd probably fork it over.

I'm exhausted. I went for a bike ride today, 28 miles. Then I had a late show. Show was fun. Glad I did it. My friend filmed me. I think I have to go to bed now.

Bye.

Peace,
Amber

2010-01-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hey Donkeys,

How you doin? Oh...huh huh. Wow. No way! Oh, I know!

So 2010 has been pretty fun so far. Busy. Productive not self destructive and..ya know what - I feel like this year is full of hope. Maybe "hope" is in my subconscious b/c of Obama talk, but I seriously feel at peace and know life is gonna be great. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid. I hope this feeling sticks in my brain for ever. I will make it. I will hold this feeling hostage in my brain and if it tries to leave, I'll meditate it back into my amygdala (part of the brain that controls emotion).

Oh shit - get this. Last night I did a show at the Hollywood Improv and a few minutes before my set I accidentally took a swig of whiskey from my friends drink! I FLIPPED out. Her glass was right next to my diet coke, I picked her glass up and took a big swig, swallowed it and ...then I smelled this REALLY strong scent of whiskey, still not realizing I drank it. I thought my friends breath was just soaked in booze, but then I felt this stinging sensation go down my throat, coat my esophagus, and finally hit my belly.

I said "Oh God". It was like in slow motion. I screamed "I just RELAPSED!" People were like "Oh, don't worry about it. You are fine. No big deal, it was just a drink!" Usually "just a drink" for me turns into months of black outs. I was paying really close attention to how I felt, like - did I like it? (Oh for those of you who are new to this blog, I'm a recovering alcoholic - have almost 2 years of sobriety). I was waiting for the switch in my mind to go off that screams "MORE!". Thank God it didn't happen, my thoughts were consumed with both fear b/c I let booze in my body AND I was about to go up on stage. I'm happy I had to perform right afterward, because it took my attention off the mishap..... but it was really freaky.

The show was fun - I'm trying to organize my set for Montreal. I wish I wouldn't have done some material and done some other stuff, I ended up being a little bit more dirty than usual last night. Oh well. It was fun.

My new favorite comic, who was also on Last Comic Standing a few years ago - but I had never seen her live - Gina Yashere - so fuckin funny. She inspired me to work on my "material" - I can give myself permission to go bananas and off the cuff on stage - but why the fuck not have solid written stuff? I deserve to have a fully loaded arsenal BEFORE I get on stage and use it at my disposal.

Blah. I'm being boring. But, anyway. Who cares? Do you? Daddy, is that you?

Gonna run. OH, go see AVATAR! I fuckin loved it. I might have to go see it again.

Peace,
Amber

ps. The Genesis Album cover picture "Supper's Ready" is in honor of a new comedy show I'm producing with my friend Jeff. Our show is gonna be called "Supper's Ready" (his idea) and I just wanted to start throwin the energy out into the Universe. Can you feel it? No? Ok, I'll send more out later. Bye!

2010-01-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

1/01/2010

That date is fun to write. It makes feel like a robot, which is good b/c my emotions need a break.

The picture above is from my trip to NYC I took a couple of months ago - the boy is the hilarious Danny Cohen. I used to work with him at Cafeteria, a hip diner of sorts in Chelsea.

I didn't take any pictures last night, and the four pictures I took in mexico aren't downloaded yet. So... I thought the pic of Danny and I was a fun way to ring in the new year.

Last night was fun. It all started off with a nightmare show in North Hollywood. I'm exaggerating - it wasn't a nightmare it was like a lucid dream you have while taking an afternoon nap and your keep making bad choices. The place was packed and people were in the mood to talk, not watch comedy. Who could blame them -it was at a fun random dance club and they didn't even know there was going to be a comedy show. It was hilarious....comics on stage demanding attention - it was a perfect way to close out 2009 - there was a hint of a metaphor in there. Comics screaming to be loved while the normal people ignored us and had a good time. It's like we were the people who try to sell roses to people at clubs/restaurants - everyone is like "thanks but no thanks" and every once in awhile someone will buy a rose and the rose people light up like a light. Once in awhile a comic got a joke out that a few people heard and got a laugh - it was a beautiful thing.

I went up there and was like (to other comics) "how am I supposed to do this? Just keep talking and hope someone hears me?"

They were like "Yep".

So I talked about some dumb shit, I hate doing my set when all I wanna do is talk about what's going on in the moment. I fight with that a lot in my brain.... to move forward in comedy you have to have "material" that works all the time. But, my material usually pops up in the moment and can't be recreated.... my favorite kind. The more I write about this the more I realize I think I hate comedy. I just like to laugh when things are funny and I like to occasionally talk into a microphone. BOOM.

I'm auditioning for Montreal again SO I HAVE to have a tight seven minutes that I can do over and over. I used to be able to do this when I was drinking, but now that I'm sober it's like my senses are on over drive and shit pours out of me unplanned. Diarahhea bthhth bthhhthh.

Moving on.

Two Thousand and Ten. Lets do this.

Resolution - a commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous.

Ok... I'm gonna cut myself some slack on the "quitting" stuff, so I'll focusing on "doing more".

Writing
Finishing projects
Meditating
Gratitude
Saying Yes to random shit
Asking myself empowering questions instead of questioning things.
Learning more about Autism and becoming a better behaviorist.
Doing more things with people... asking people to come on hikes or to the movies. (I do this alone a lot).
Blow drying my hair at least twice a week. I look like a lady when I do this.
Finding representation - inviting industry out to shows and sending out writing samples. (I NEVER do this. Dumb).

Ok. Fuck. I gotta go.

Bye.

Peace,
Amber

2009-12-19T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ooooh k.

This is the the 3rd day in a row I've posted on this thing. I think I might be back on my writing track. Who knows.

I wanna order some of Tony Robbins motivational CD's. Seriously, when I was 21 I listened to his 30 day Personal Power CD's, then I moved to NYC by myself. THEN, I met him on the streets of NYC and he invited me to one of his seminars, I went, and a couple weeks later I started doing comedy.

SO - I feel like I need another round of Robbins, get - it's sort of like Round Robbin - but not .... yeah. Um. Oh - I just need another kick in the ass. I'm not FREAKING out about money, I don't have a lot of it - but I'm ok. I love my part time job - working with a cool kid with Autism and stand up is moving along. But, I just don't FEEL much. I feel complacent - I guess I'm not used to feeling this way. I have a pattern of needed to feel a lot - whether it's good or bad. Whenever everything is just "ok" - I get weird. I'm like where is the really bad stuff at? Where is the really good stuff at?

I think Tony can help me with everything and fix my brain. I saw his infomercial the other night and he was giving away a bunch of CD sets for 300 bucks (3 monthly installments of 100 bucks). That's too much money.

I know if Tony was reading this he'd pop into my personal space through his time travel technique and be like "300 bucks is too much money to save your life?" And, I'd say "yes! I'm not worth 300 dollars" and start weeping. He'd say "Amber, I want you to ask yourself this... if you could accomplishment anything, and I mean ANYTHING, get ridiculous, be un-reasonable with your answer -- what would you want out of your life?" I'd say "I want to be a really good actress, to write a fun movie, to have a family, keep working with kids with Autism and to be able to give back in a big way". He'd say "Ok. Your wish is granted, just pay me 500 dollars and I"ll tell you how to get there".

Then I'd say "I'll be write back, I gotta go get some money". Then I'd runaway, get stressed out and end up at Pinkberry eating a large passion fruit yogurt with blueberries, chocolate chips and almonds.

The End.

Peace,
Amber

2009-12-18T08:11:00.000-08:00

Dinky Doo-Wap -

You guys. Where have you been? Oh - ok. That's completely understandable.

I'm going to Mexico next week for Christmas, not going to CO (obviously, CO is not in Mexico but that rhymes) Not sure how I feel about missing Christmas with my family....but I'm sure I'll feel it when I feel it.

I've only missed one other Christmas, and that was about 9 years ago. I was in Germany in the middle of a 3 week back packing trip through Europe. Holy Snatch, Guy Ritchie, and Swept Away - that trip was ridiculous. I went with my friend Dez a girl who worked at one of the many dot coms I was employed at while living in NYC.

Dez and I partied our asses off. I mean, that's all we did. Even if I just went to her place to watch Sex and the City we'd end up getting hammered. I was into Sex and the City for about four months.....only b/c I'd watch with Dez as we got shnockered up.

Anyhoots - Dez and I were in Germany for Christmas. We stayed in a weird hotel and ordered pizza. They brought us the wrong pie, we didn't realize it until the pizza guy was long gone. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever let slide down my esophagus and into me belly. It had olives, feta cheese, some other kind of cheese, bacon, hamburger meat - I guess when I'm writing it out it doesn't sound too disgusting but it was really fuckin gross. We ate it anyway.

I remember Dez was annoyed at me b/c I "talked to everyone" and was "naive". She grew up in NYC, so she wasn't into meeting the locals and being chatty McGee. I, on the other hand, wanted to introduce myself to everyone in Europe. I was 22 and from a small town in Colorado. HELLO! HI! LETS TALK!

Anyhoots - I think we were in Dusseldorf during Christmas - we were on our way to Amsterdam for the New Years. Uh huh.
We made it to Ammy for the NY's and I got so drunk I did a bunch of drugs to stay awake, but I blacked out and woke up dancing on the dance floor in a puddle of water (it was raining really bad and the party place had leaks everywhere).

Ok. That's it. Mexico will be an innocent, sweet time. No booze and I'll be responsible for children. Oh life, how you shift, change and come full circle.

Bye.
Peace,
Amber

ps. It's so crazy that I mentioned SNATCH (Guy's film, not a lady's crack) b/c while I was in Amsterdam I went on a date with a guy and we saw that movie. Whoa, man. K. Bye.

2009-12-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hi Tater Tots,

Thought I'd ramble out some sentences before I get my day started. Having coffee with an old friend today. I met him in an elevator 8 years ago. Nothing kinky. He's a good guy. LIke a MAN. He's sort of a fancy showbiz dude, but he also played a big part in my sobriety. He's been sober for like 20 years - God 20 years of no booze. I really don't want to think about it. I'll have 2 years in March if I don't fuck everything up.

I always fantasize about my relapse. I might have mentioned this before, but I think if I relapse like I REALLY wanna relapse. Go balls out nuts. Move to Texas, get a studio apartment in stinky, sweaty, small town. Work as a cocktail waitress, date a construction worker who loves me but can't understand why I'm so crazy. He'll buy me booze too - anything to calm me down and to make me horny. Then I'll spin out of control, bug the neighbors, start stealing shit - get institutionalized then go to rehab.

Yeah. Relapse 101.

Lets see what's new to report. Oh, I dumped some dude via text a couple of weeks ago. It was all the relationship deserved. I'm sort of sad about it - b/c I liked the guy and wanted to at least be friends but we tried to make it as a couple and it was nightmare. And, now I don't even want to be his friend.

His friend was in town visiting - lets call his friend Coke Boner. Coke Boner is semi-famous and my "boyfriend", let call him Mickey Mouse IDOLIZES him. Or something. It was weird the way Mickey catered C. Bone - but whatever. Anyway, Boner got all coked out and tried to make out/hump me and Mickey Mouse was like "Eh, whatever". Bonehead even got naked and crawled into bed with me and the mouse and was groping me. I'm not doing this story justice b/c I'm in a hurry - but long story short the rodent didn't protect me and sort of took the B-star Bonerface's side.

So I dumped Mickey via text the next day - and now I'm going to talk about it on stage when I found out what's funny about it. The story itself isn't funny - I mean. Boner boy was just being a gross active alcoholic, and Mickey was being mousy. I was being disgusted. Maybe it's funny that Mickey idolizes a B-level star the way he does. It was really weird you guys. It was to the point where Mickey was like "Hey Coke Boner, I'm playing your favorite song. Your air guitar solo is coming up! Hey Everyone, watch Coked out Bonehead do his air guitar solo!"

Weird/Gross.

My advice to the ladies. Before you have sex with a guy, be sure to get to know his friends AND how he acts around them. This is what I learned from this "relationship".

Ok. I have to take a shower.

Bye!
Peace,
Amber

2009-12-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

My Very First Dance Video!

The Dambler

2009-11-26T15:26:00.000-08:00

I look thankful, right?

Ok. How are you? Happy Thanksgiving and everything else I'm supposed to say on this day.

Check out my new post on my NICE TO MEET YA blog.

http://letsconnectlikethis.blogspot.com

Yeah!

Peace,
Amber

2009-10-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

Back in the New York Groove

I was back in NYC last week, the first time in two years. I can't believe it's been two mother effin years. I guess waiting that long made my trip even better b/c it was a really fun experience for me. I remember when I lived there (for seven years) it just became home to me. I stopped looking around, exploring, noticing things - I just knew where I needed to go and focused on getting there as quick as possible. I was also either really drunk or really hungover most of the time.... so that hindered my interest in anything other than figuring out what I did the night before.

But - this trip - was by far my favorite. It was even better then the trip I took two years ago where I was backstage at Carnegie Hall partying with my favorite comics. I just had to put that in there b/c I wanted you to know that I was backstage at Carnegie b/c I need attention.

I spent most of the time walking around, shopping, going to comedy shows, meeting up with old friends, regretting that I drank so much while I lived there and contemplating on whether I should call my ex-boyfriend to meet up for coffee or not. I didn't contemplate that much - but I did think about it. I spent four years with him in NYC ... I didn't call him. I think my intentions might have been a little bit manipulative and I know he has a knack for making me feel like shit - so NOPE. No "lets catch up and try to impress each other" coffee date ever happened.

I'm really not attracted to people anymore where I have to prove myself to them (not unless it's a career thing where money and/or a status upgrade is on the line - I'm still a pig that way). But I'm talking with people, relationships and the head games that go on. I used to be extremely drawn to the "approval chase" - now I'm like "Eh, I'm fuckin cool -you either dig it or don't you mother fuckin idiot".

Ch ch ch changin! In sobriety, I'm taking on my old personality - I think it's like the one I had in high school. Sort of bitchy, very busy and soft spots for people who try really hard. How precious!

Anyway - back to the NYC comedy scene. The comics there are so nice...and they mean it. I wanna figure out a way to be bi-coastal. Or, like 3 months in LA, 1 month in NYC. I can do it, I can do it.

I'm in Colorado right now, hanging at my mom's restaurant. I leave for LA in a couple days. I'm getting antsy here. I might have to go to a movie by myself today. Sometimes I go to movies like it's an emergency.

BYE!

Peace,
Amber

2009-09-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey Hey -

Ok. I remember the days when I used to just write in this thing b/c I wanted to write. Now I'm a big asshole and don't really write in it anymore b/c the only thing I wanna write is something I can spam around and shove in people's faces. And, here on Public Bravado only a few loyal readers even know it exists - so I'm like "eh" - this old blog - whatever.

BUT NO NO NO NO.

I need to change it all up. This is where I need to vomit. This is where shit can be shat out! Who cares if it's just a bunch of blah to the mother effin blah. It's a BLAH BLOG. I like the sound of dat.

So, anyway..... I guess I can write. Lets see what falls out of my thoughts.

Um - the summer. Summer was busy. Now it's over. I didn't travel - it sort of killed me.

Going to Vegas tomorrow, NYC and Colorado end of October. Comedy bender time.

I got the bug AGAIN. I always do. I did two shows this week and they both really fun. Try harder, get organized, keep going.

Taking an acting class and if this class was a horny boy with a big balls sack, I would suck that ball sack A LOT. That's how much I like acting. So much that if it were a sack, I would suck it.

Um.

Gonna move back to WeHo - I think. I hope it happens. Downtown LA was a good time, but it's also far from everything I do. Hiking, comedy, coffee shops, shopping, movies. So - yeah gonna move in with a very cool friend of mine (I hope - waiting to hear back from him).

Um.

Facebook. I'm on it too much. I feel like it's becoming a huge waste of time, but at the same time (time that isn't wasted) it's such an amazing resource. Comedy, old friends, networking - but mostly it's a waste of time. I just post updates and wait to see if people like it or comment on it. I wish my parents loved me more. I'd be able to focus on politics or something. PLACE THE BLAME!

At least I'm aware of it, yeah? YEAH.

Ok - upcoming goals

-Organize my comedy, record and re-write shit.
-Constantly be bookin
-Keep taking acting classes
-Don't pick at my face so much
-Continue working with the kids
-Learn more about the brain.
-Don't date anyone (maybe)
-Be nice
-Dress like a lady sometimes

Ok. That's enough of that shit.

Um. Um. Um. I had something to write but I forgot. Lets see if it comes pouring out of my mind. I don't know.

OH - yeah - today it is has been 18 months of NO BOOZE. 17 months of NO CIGARETTES. Wowzer....that's pretty fuckin cool. It hasn't been easy - but I guess that what makes me feel good about it. It's work, work that wakes me up.

Ok. I gots go. Driving to Vegas tomorrow. Psyched.

Peace,
Amber

2009-09-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

New Blog Alert -

My new work in progress project.

Nice To Meet Ya.

I interview randoms.

http://letsconnectlikethis.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

Peace,
Amber

2009-08-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

Ok -- you guys.

I have an idea for a new column. I'm not going to tell you what it is - but hopefully I'll have the first one written by next week - I'll post a link and shit.

I'm in the coffee shop I always come too in Downtown LA. New owners just took over this joint and they aren't as nice as the last owners. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. They did get a new couch that my ass is enjoying, but other than that I'm sort of sad about it. I overheard the new boss talking to an employee (a really sweet girl) - and he was being an asswad to her. BOSSY FUCKIN BOSSY.

Anyway - that's all the news I've got right now. Enjoy the day.

Peace,
Amber

2009-08-17T23:26:00.001-07:00

Hey hey hey,

Oh. Wow. You look older.

Just saw District 9. It was fun. Not as fun as Orphan. The twist in Orphan is bigger than F5 tornado.

Ok. Gotta go. I'm really busy up until the 2nd week of September. Then - I'm going to give 100 percent to writing/comedy/acting.

I realized I've only been giving about 30% to showbiz. What the fuck am I in Hollywood for? The weather? Yes, the weather is nice but what the fuck? Why am I saying fuck so much? Fuck.

Anyhoozles - I'm fuckin outta here.

Hope you all are fuckin happy.

Peace,
Amber Fuckface

2009-07-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

AHAGHAOHOHOGPGAHHA.

I think I have a little bit of autism. Just a tad bit. I know I always find away to be a victim, and have the need to be "special" - but since I've been studying and working w/kids with autism I think have it. Or, maybe it's contagious and now I have it. Whatever - all I know this making a schedule is one of the most important things when working with people with autism - it lessens anxiety and it calms the mind b/c expectations are laid out in order.

Ok. I need a schedule for today. Otherwise, I'll watch day time television, take a four hour nap and eat a lot. UGH. That's like the schedule of one of those fat people that get so fat they can't fit through the front door. Or, it's the schedule of a depressed bulimic.

Let me crank one out that will make me feel like an accomplished lady.

1. Go pee, maybe poop.
2. Remove last nights make up from forehead.
3. Write 3 funny tweets on twitter
4. Attempt 1st draft at treatment
5. Shower, you don't have to shave
6. Do NOT pick at face
7. Find out where I can see my sisters keeper today.
8. Oh yeah, look for a place to live.
9. Watch my sisters keeper
10. Don't feel guilty for eating popcorn.
11. Go to meeting and REALLY listen.
12. Go home and clean room.
13. Sit ups and core exercise
14. Read something nice for the soul
15. Sleep

Ok. Not that bad. See just making a tiny lists calms me down. I'm trying to cut myself some slack, for years and years and years all I wanted to do was to quit drinking and smoking - and I did it. So all my other goals can fuck off for a bit longer. I'm in recovery!

Good day.

Peace,
Amber

2009-07-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yizzo snizzy -

I have to move by August 15th. I've been living in some swanky digs in downtown LA thanks to a very sweet friend who cut me a very sweet deal on his very sweet spare bedroom. I won't say "very sweet" in the rest of this blog unless I'm talking about strawberries or something.

I moved into this place a few months ago when I struggling to pay rent in West Hollywood. I knew it would only be temporary - he's been working on buying a house and he bought the house. He's a do-er people. Now he's going to rent the condo out and make some money. I can't afford it, so I'm out!

I would love to couch surf for a bit - then travel in October. I feel like I need to go far away. Or, maybe I should visit my family in CO and possible take a trip to NYC - do some comedy. I don't know. I need a blast of something. I think I have desensitized myself by blowing shit out of the water for so long, doing wild things and now that I've calmed down I'm like "eh" - now what? Part of me loves to be chill and more satisfied with the little things, but on the other hand I get bored and apathetic.

I need a JOLT....hey remember that drink? Wasn't it some chocolate chemical based crap with a lightening bolt on the side of the can? Yeah, maybe I should drink one of those things .....or get struck by lightening.

Problems w/procrastination. I have people waiting to read some shit that I pitched to them. They will read and possible do "something" with it if they like it but I refuse to write it for some reason. I have BLOCKAGE. Like, I'm constipated in the "follow through" part of my brain. I'm afraid of something...laziness if fear based. Everything that is not healthy, is pretty much fear based.

I'm afraid right now that this blog isn't funny, and it's not. But, I don't want it to be funny. I think I might be sick of trying to be funny. I've been talking about this on stage - how I don't know what's so funny about me. I was drunk for 10 years - I started doing comedy right my alcoholism kicked in. So, what the fuck?

If I had the the option to watch an episode of the 30 Rock, Family Guy or a Dateline Episode about a serial rapist - I'd watch the rapist.

Ok, I'm glad I can talk you guys about this. Thanks for reading.

Toodles.

Peace,
Amber

ps. Strawberries are natural teeth whiteners! Very sweet.

2009-07-08T11:00:00.001-07:00

I don't hate everything and everyone anymore.

It passed! Just like a kidney stone - it included pain and screaming.

BOOM. Gotta feel the burn until I build up some common sense and tolerance to my emotional disturbance. Bring it on sobriety, I am ready to feel like I wanna die.

Gonna write out a to do list so I can get movin and grovin:

Meeting at Noon
Run, Sweat and Swim
Meeting at 5:30
Movie and/or Comedy show

Ok. Life is ok.

How are you guys? What do you like most about your bodies? TELL ME!

Peace,
Amber

2009-07-06T10:00:00.001-07:00

I hate everyone and everything.

It'll pass. I just wanted to let you know that.

I had an interesting past two weeks that involved:

A resort owned by the richest man in California
Disneyland
Joey from New Kids on the Block (he was at a bbq I went too. Totally nice guy)
Emotional dysfunction...or whatever.

Ok. Gonna go now.

Peace,
Amber

2009-06-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

Well ....hello. It's been awhile. Not that long, but long enough to say "Well....hello".

You don't say "Well...hello" to someone you just saw. If you do, you are annoying.

I'm just saying.

It hurts to type this. LIke the fingers at the end of my hands that are at the end of my arms can barely move. I worked out for 3 hours yesterday at the very fancy Equinox gym on Sunset Blvd. I went with my new "friend" Jason. Yes, the quotation marks indicate more than a friend. We've been hanging out for a couple of months. He's cool and that's all you need to know, nosy Rosey's. GOD. I swear, sometimes I just wish you'd give me some space and privacy when it comes to things I write for the public to see, you blog readers.

Equinox.

When I walked through the doors, I immediately felt like drinking a protein shake, putting on some fancy spandex and looking at myself in the mirror. Unfortunately I forgot my water bottle, had on an outfit from Old Navy and got intimidated by bodies hotter than mine. Thank God for a new crazy machine that took my mind off of everything. I don't even know what it's called, but it's bananas. It should be called the BANANA RAMA.

It's a machine that shakes SO FAST, it vibrates your entire body to it's CORE. When you look at someone standing on it, it looks like they are just standing there - but they are vibrating the shit out of themselves. That would be sick, if you shook so hard your shit yourself, but my point is - this machine was insane.

I was on there for about 20 minutes -- I did push ups, sit ups, squats, core excercises and some other moves I made up. It hurt SO bad - but you get like 3 times the work out.

The rest of the time we did some machines, worked out on the elliptical..and my favorite the STEAM ROOM.

I know this shit sounds boring, but I haven't been to a real gym in years. I always hike or run or skip dinner to stay in shape. I actually had a little bit of anxiety while I was in there...but then I would just flex in the mirror and feel better.

Ok. I'm in pain. Gonna go now.

Peace,
Amber

2009-06-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing in this thing everyday.

I'm at a Coffee Bean in Manhattan Beach right now. It's the one I've been coming too before work every morning. I've probably spent about 200 bucks at this joint, probably more.

The people here are pretty cool, I guess. They know my drink order and have it made for me by the time I reach the counter. That makes me feeeeeelll real nice, it's sort of like saying "Hey, we know what you like and we are going to give it to you quick, with a smile".

Whatever.

I have to take a dump. I eat Soy and Flax Cluster cereal every morning and it's better than any fiber concoction and/or laxative.

BOOM.

Business taken care of. I'm so happy I don't have a fear of shitting in public. My aunt can only take dumps at her house - that's no way to live. Toilets are everywhere, for everyone! Mobile crap attacks are part of the human experience and if you live your life just hanging out around your house b/c the waste that needs to get out of your body can only be dumped in your toilet, you might miss out on a gang fight that's happening at Mickey D's.

El stupido.

Gotta run. Have a good one. That rhymed, I'll tell you one more time - I gotta run, have a good one.

Peace,
Amber

2009-06-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

I have two days left at, what I'm now calling, "the institution".

The pre-school I've been working at for the past eight months, I gotta get out. I'm a caged animal. I need to cuss and scream and tell everyone how I feel about shitty movies.

Ugh. I made it though. I'm proud of myself. I needed a job, I needed structure, and unbeknownst to me, I need to be around kids with autism. What a mother fuckin gift, I'll tell you that much.

I'm going to keep saving the children, but in the comfort of their own homes. I have compliance issues, how in the hell can I teach a tiny tot w/a neurological disorder to comply? It's impossible. I think my strengths (when working with kids) is getting them to connect and to have fun - and to learn how to express themselves when they don't want to do something. Ugh.

If I hear a teacher say "criss cross applesauce" or "find a square and sit in there" one more time I might have to eat 40 bananas in 10 minutes and puke in public.

I'm so so so so so thankful I found this work, but being busy AND having control over my own schedule is crucial to my creativity. I realized my best writing is done in the morning, first thing ... and I haven't had a morning to myself in 8 months. I better get all my writing done before I squeeze kids out of my lady hole, that's all I'm saying.

Ok. Gonna go hike. More later tater tots.

Peace,
Amber

2009-05-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

I was going to start this blog off by apologizing for not blogging anymore, but what good would that do? Bring more attention to the fact that I don't blog anymore? Faggy! And, when I say faggy - it's no disrespect to fags.

I don't feel good right now. Right now is a great example of what it's like to be an alcoholic. Although I've been sober for over a year now, I still have the mind of an alcoholic because I am one. When I don't do what's necessary to keep my mind at peace, it (alcoholism) takes over my thoughts and creates thinking patterns that are so unhealthy and painful, it makes drinking seem like the only option. It reminds me of my days in New York, when I didn't recognize my thoughts - when I just DRANK. It would just be "time to drink" and I drank. I had no idea what was happening underneath the thoughts that told my arms and hands to pour booze down my throat.

Ugh. Thank God I know this shit is going to pass and I don't have to drink over it. And, nothing is even really wrong I just feel super uncomfortable with a few things.

Good stuff -- Work is great. Comedy is fun. I like my living situation. Shit that I've always stressed over in the past has finally come together and I'm starting to relax and enjoy things, as opposed to hustling like a jacky-hole for stuff I think I should be all hustle-y about. Huh?

I think I just get lonely. I get really fuckin lonely and I'm hardly ever alone. Maybe one night out of the week, maybe an afternoon here and there. I think I'm growing into "hating to be alone" - and I used to be really good at it. Being alone with nothing to do for an alcoholic is like giving a baby with a strong grip a loaded gun, it's a bad mother fuckin idea.

Sometimes I just have to be distracted. Here's an extreme example - the other day when my head got really loud, I went to see NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM. Yes, people. Alcoholism is a disease and it's hardcore. Going to see a shit movie, that has no chance of being good, watching it and feeling relief over it proves how loud and persuasive the voice of an "addict" can get.

There is so much personal shit going on that I don't want to write about it b/c for whatever reason, as I grow into my 30's I have some sort of filter that is infultrated my silly head. Lame, I know. But, hey - buy my book when I finish it 30 years.

Hope you guys are all nice and fancy. More to come. My job ends in mid-june then I'll have more time to indulge in the indulgence.

Peace,
Amber

2009-05-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, hello little blog. I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've written on you, or is it IN you? "IN you grosses me way out, so I'm going to say ON you. I only have 3 minutes to do this because I have NO time these days. I'm exaggerating and there is no such thing as time, I'm busy.

More later... gotta run. See what I mean? And, I'm not kidding. I really have to go. Like it's crazy. I get online crank shit out then I have to go.

BYE. More later. Promise. Kiss on one cheek, then the other.

Peace,
Amber

2009-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

THE DINGO'S GOT MY LATTE!

Now, this shit is Banana Rama Ding Dong - Who's There?

Read this story and you'll find out.

Here we go, let the beat drop, boom boom boom. I like that new song.

Ok. I'm ready.

Alright. Get this madness, you humans. I was dog sitting for a sweet couple that lives in the hills in Encinco, CA. Big house. Small dog. Lots of love. The dog's name is Latte, like the caffeinated beverage. Latte is a female Bichon. A small white poof ball of happiness. Just so you get a visual - bichon's sort of look like poodles, but instead of curly white hair, they have more of a shaggy style. A bichon looks as if a poodle went into a doggy-do salon and said "I need some fur relaxer, bitch!" I don't know why I think bichon's would call the doggy fur-stylist a bitch, I just like thinking that being called a "bitch" by a dog is like using the N word like a black person, right? Of course.

Anytits - Latte's owners are an older couple who adores her, treats her like a princess, and gets tons of joy from her. They are nice, happy, successful, and enjoy life - I think of them as the Magic Couple. The Magic Couple went to Argentina to celebrate their wedding anniversary - I think it's their 40th. They pay me to stay in their fancy house and watch after Latte. I've stayed at their place before. Last summer I was there for a couple of weeks. I know the house, I know the dog, I know the deal.

And now it's time of the guts of this story. Are you ready? Tap tap! HELLO? Ok. Good, just checkin.

I was hanging out in the living room watching GARDEN STATE. The first time I watched that movie I was really hungover and couldn't focus, I was too busy coming up with excuses to tell my boyfriend why I didn't come home until 4 am. This time I couldn't focus because Latte was bopping around trying to get me to play with her, oh how I have let the innocence take over me! I was half ass playing fetch with her, but was more interested in watching Zach Braff's character stick up to his father.

Latte eventually trotted over to the sliding glass door and looked outside as if the fresh air was better than my lack of fetch enthusiasm. It was dusk, still a lot of light out but the sun was on it's way down. In my head I was like "Sweet, I'll let her out for a bit, pause the movie and get a snack." I opened the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard, something I've done a hundred times before for this dog. The backyard is big, gated, with a beautiful garden and a pool that is built into a brick patio. Latte happily bopped outside and I watched her sniff around for a bit. I left the door slightly open and walked over to the dining room table to dig around in my back-pack for my phone. Before I know it - I hear Latte scream the loudest, most horrifying shrill I've ever heard any animal make in my entire life (I watch Animal Planet)

I ran over to the door and looked outside. What I saw is something I will never, ever forget. Latte was dangling from the mouth of a mother fuckin Coyote. Limp, like a rag doll. At a glance you might have thought Latte was a blanket or a towel, like the Coyote was doing laundry in the pool.

I stood there for a minute just staring at Coyote Ugly. I thought Latte was dead. We were a few yards away from each other, locked eyes, both of us not sure what to do next.

I began talking to the Coyote, well it was more like begging. I whined "Oh my God, please let her go. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let her go. No way. No way. Come on! OH MY GOD!" I wish I would have said "Hey Coyote, that's not my dog you have in your mouth and if she dies on my time, I might never be the same and neither will the couple who lives here. I know you are hungry, but I have some steak in the freezer. Oh, and they have those soy nuggets from Trader Joe's -they are a lot better than you'd thing. Just burry them in BBQ sauce and it'll taste like you are at a specialty chicken wing place."

I love coming up with alternative dialogue.

Moving on...

The coyote and I continued to stare at each other. He (I'm assuming it was he) brazenly walked across the patio on the side of the pool, closer to where I was. I was in a pure panic at this point and was sort of doing a weird dance, like the kind of dance you do when you have to pee and your five years old. Small baby steps, running in place, making squeaky noises. I couldn't believe this was happening. I mean, little Latte was hanging there - not moving - stuck in the chops of a wild animal. I couldn't stand it anymore, I started to chase the Coyote. I ran like I was tip toing around a house I just robbed, but I was running. Coyote Ugly darted down the hill with Latte flapping around the sides of his jaw. I stopped. I was afraid to move forward because I couldn't see them anymore, they were gone - it was silent.

In that moment. These were my thoughts.

Latte just got eaten by a Coyote.

I'm going to start drinking again.

I'm going to have to tell the Magic Couple "Hi. Welcome back. Latte is dead. I watched her get eaten by a Coyote. I drank all of your booze. How was Argentina? Oh, no. Don't cry for me Argentina"

Just as my mind was about to snowball into a very dark place, I hear Latte's dog tags clinking. I look over past the garden and there she was, running with a gimpy limp back to the yard! I couldn't believe it! I said "OH MY GOD! LATTE! Come here, baby! Come here!"

We met each other in the yard, then hustled into the house. I bent over to get a closer look at her. She was filthy. She had shit herself and there was doggy diarrhea all over her hind legs and tail. I wonder if she shat herself because she was scared, or if she wanted the Coyote to have a dinner that tasted like shit. If dogs could talk.

I called the the emergency animal place, they told me to bring her in. I put Latte in the car and as I was pulling around the culdisac, I saw the Coytote run across the street. I rolled down the window and screamed "Hey you faggot! I know you need to eat, but quit being such a pussy and catch a rabbit!" I didn't realy say that, I said something like "Hey fucker, get outta here!" Something lame and general like that.

I almost got into a couple car accidents on the way because Latte was sitting on my stomach and her crappy ass was rubbing all over me. It was very distracting and I wasn't sure if she was bleeding or not. I kept swurving, people kept honking and I'd scream "This dog was just attacked by a Coyote. Her ass is loaded with crap and she's rubbing it on my Venice Beach t-shirt, so shut the fuck up you mother fuckers!" I really did say that because I knew they couldn't hear me and I began digging into the drama of it all. I started screaming "You mothah fuckahhhhs" in every type of silly voice I could come up with because I needed to laugh. I really needed to laugh. I did this until we arrived at the clinic.

Long story longer, Latte had no injuries. Not a scratch. She was just in shock. The vet said she was " a very lucky dog". That was it. I took her back home and just let her crap all over the house because I didn't want to let her outside. Kidding, I'd took her for walks WITH A LEASH and a keen eye on the Coyote filled hills. Oh, and I let her shit in the house.

Looking back - I wonder, was Latte playing dead while she was in Coyote Ugly's mouth, or was she passed out? Maybe while the Coyote was running away from my Braveheart moves, she fought back and escaped. I hope that's how it happened. I'll never know how and/or why the Coyote let her go, but he did. Latte's alive, she still wants to play outside and I'm going to raise my rates as a dog sitter if coyotes are in the 'hood. Dolla dolla billz, ya'll!

As far as GARDEN STATE goes...I think I'll wait for another shitty day to come along to watch it. Maybe tomorrow...third times a charm bracelet you lost when you were seven and got in trouble for it. WHAT? Ok. bye.

The End.

Ps. Here is a short film Latte starred in the last time I was in charge of her. It's called POOL CRASHERS with my friend Lizzy Cooperman and I:

2009-04-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

DAMN!

Not sure where to begin. Do people still read this thing, because I don't write in it anymore. I don't know why. I guess because my early sobriety rage/sensitivity/emotional madness has worn off and now I guess I'm just sort of like a normal person. BORING.

I'm craving more of a balance between working with the kids and writing/performing. I've had to bite the bullet w/performing because my new job. I'm happy to do it - but I can feel the urge to splurge on stage pouring out of me. Things will change soon... I just have to ride things out for the rest of the school year. The kids are great - I really love them. I just don't think I want to work at a school next year. I want all private clients - working in the homes. The magic (for me) comes when it's one on one - and there is a teachable moment - when it's quiet and low stress. Working in a school with kids with autism is super challenging - you have ten people telling you ten different things, kids running around everywhere and parents asking questions. I love it when I follow my gut and the kid learns something. Otherwise - there is tons of white noise around.

BLAH.

Comedy - oh my god. I don't even write anymore. This has to change - my insides are burning with creative cremation. I need to spark up my whacked brain cells....it'll come back to me. It always does, I just need the time and the energy.

Lets see what has happened -

I hit my one year sober mark - March 29th, 2009. I made it! Yee haw. I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be and I wish I were more proud of myself - but I'm not.

My family was in town - I don't know how to communicate with them - but thank God I got them tix to the Jimmy Kimmel show. Oh, and we met Nathaniel Ayers (the REAL homeless violinist that inspired the movie coming out with Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr). That was cool.

That's about it for now. My brain is bored.

Gonna try to write an Ask Amber column.

How are you guys?

Peace,
Amber

2009-03-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

Well Hello Neglected Blog!

How you been? Oh, you look hungry...and a homeless shade of yellow. Here you go - drink some water, I'll turn it into later.

WHAT'S UP PEOPLE!?

Hopefully you are happy.

My latest column is up, please read it!

Thanks!

http://poprockcandymountain.com/?p=2279

Peace,
Amber

ps. I'll had a way to personal diary entry soon. Don't call the PO-LICE!

2009-03-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hey you out there!

Who me?

Yeah you!

Get into my car.

Who me?

Yes, YOU!

Nevermind. I don't feel like driving right now.

Yesterday I fell in a restaurant. My leg fell asleep, I stood up to go the bathroom took one step and then BAM - I fell on a top of a table. My sleepy leg completely gave out, and got all gimpy and I put all my weight on it. The only thing I could feel in my leg WAS THE PAIN.

I was a competitive gymnast, a 3 sport athlete, a college athlete, have almost died a couple of times and this has been the worst pain I've ever been in. I just fell over in a restaurant. I think it was the Lords way of telling me to stop what I'm doing, cause I'm about to ruin, the image and the style that I'm use too.

Yeah, that's it.

Ok. Time to ICE!

Peace,
Amber

Ps. What's up with you suckers?

2009-03-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

Hello Tiny Whispers on a Stretched Out Earlobe,

Gross.

Hi!

Here is my lastest column for Pop Rock Candy Mountain. It's about my comedy problems (or blessings).

I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS :

http://poprockcandymountain.com/?p=2191

(I thought about calling it COMEDY QUANDARY, but I forgot to tell them that).

Ok. See you around the corner on a random day sometime soon or maybe never.

Peace,
Amber

2009-03-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

I'm a lazy blogger out of style it's been awhile since I let my emotions be typed out when trying to find the potion for dry skin, oh I know ... it's lotion!

Boom! It's the 400th post!

How are you guys?

What's been going down in your pants... I mean lives?

I wish this blog was a live chat sometimes. I like to crank out some IM's occasionally.

I'm in West Hollywood at restaurant. I need to hang out in this hood b/c I'm going hiking in the Canyon around the corner at 5 and it's only 3.

2 hours of "what to do?"

I'd love to take a nap in this booth, but I wouldn't feel comfortable laying my face on a seat that has cupped thousands of asses and caught millions of farts. I don't know why there are more farts than asses in my booth explanation but I'm just assuming. Ya know, one ass could blast out an infinite number of farts. And, this place serves beans and broccoli! Aka fart tarts.

Everything has been real cool on my end. My emotional manic attacks have leveled out... I'm on month 11 of sobriety and it's amazing how much more calm I feel. They (people who have been sober for a long time) keep telling me it gets better and better so I'm believing them.

I had a bad couple of days in the beginning of the week I think it was the start of manic depression but I didn't hit the "black hole" and popped out of it after 2 days. Thank fuckin God.

My job with the kids is taking off. I really can't believe all the cool stuff that is coming out of it ... I can't really type it all out here b/c we have to keep things private for the sake of the children and their families - but I love this work. I love it so much, I want to start hating just so I can stick with the pattern of my life - but I don't know. This gig makes me really happy.

Comedy? OH, well thank you for asking.

Comedy is always going to be comedy (profound) I'm still doing shows - my new thing is meltdowns on stage where I'll do some prepared stuff then just go off on wild rants. I had an epiphany on stage (and realized off stage) that I don't want to be a stand up comic. I've never wanted to be a road comic nor have I put in the effort to organize an A-list clean set.

I like comedy as an emotional expression, not as a repetitive joke teller (both are art forms). Not that there is a right or wrong way, or better way ... it's just different ways to do stand up.

I'm an emotional ranter, who has been trying to "tell jokes". Lately, I'm bringing emotion to it and let it out. Audiences have been sort of like "what?" But I don't care. I'll still get a big laugh and it's worth the intense weirdness.

Whatever. I've decided to not hustle five shows a week and be complacent with only doing one or two. I"m too fucking tired, and working with kids has become just as fulfilling as having a killer set.

AND - I wanna write:

More columns
Get my proposal out for my book idea to that agent who asked for it a long time ago
Another TV show treatment

AND - I want to take two classes.

Screenwriting
Acting

BOOM.

I just have to shift shit around in my life. I don't want to just force myself to do a shit load of shows for my ego's sake. I wanna listen and accept what's going on. Ya know? LISTEN AND FLOW WITH IT.

Life is telling me - save the children, spend more time writing and do stand up when you are emotionally full.

Ok. Bye.
Peace,
Amber

2009-02-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm one more post away from having 400 posts. I'll post about the 400th post when it's the 400th post.

I have this week off of work. Thank God.

The move from WeHo to downtown was a lot more complicated that I expected. I always under estimate shit that should be over estimated and vica versa.

Like, if I have to go to Target, to the bank and exsersice in one day I flip the mother eff out of my own head and land on my elbows. I can't take tiny logistical stuff. But, when it comes to be big shit - like starting a new job, moving, traveling a lot, dealing with a death - I'm like "eh whatever". I don't get wound up about it - until shit goes down.

I didn't have the much stuff to move - I sold my bed and got rid of the bigger furniture I don't need in my new place. But the shit I kept and brought with me has been annoying. I've been living out of suitcases for a few years... traveling and slinging my shit around - that when I dug deep into my possesions I'm like "what the fuck do I need this for? It's just crap.

Crap accumulates.

I spent five hours yesterday going through it ... I had a suitcase full of clothes, CD's, random cards and I swear if someone would have tossed it in the ocean I would have never know - unless I was swimming in the ocean and found it. I would have been like 'HEY - THAT'S MINE! I THINK I NEED IT!".

We really don't need that much shit. Seriously, what do you need to survive. Some clothes for warmth, food, air, water and the rest is just gravy.

I think that's why they call it the GRAVY TRAIN - it's just extra shit that takes you for a ride that you don't really need. That doesn't make sense.

Anyway. I'm almost done organizing - I want to finish it today so I can enjoy the rest of my week. I want to make sure this week off is worth it.

Stuff I NEED to do:

Meet w/Champagne (not the drink, a dude who's last name is Champagne)

Start Tozer Show 3 - this is one is gonna be deep, rich and really fuckin funny.

Start Column for Pop Rock

Excersice 4 times.

Grocery Shop

Meet w/new client

Finish my room

Perform at D+D, Westwood and Silverlake

3 meetings

Figure Finances out

-----------------------------------

Stuff I WANT to do

-Watch the Wrestler

-Practice Meditating

-Start a good book and get addicted to it

-Buy a necklace or bracelet for my friend Ahna

-Be happy.

BOOM TASTIC AIN'T THAT FANTASTIC?

Gotta run. Adios mother fuckers.

Peace,
Amber

2009-02-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hi Baby Bananas!

Here is my latest column for Pop Rock Candy Mountain -- it's like a
new flavor of cheese that tastes preachy. Lick it!

I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS: SOUTHERN TRUE LOVE

http://poprockcandymountain.com/?p=2075

Carry on.

Peace,
Amber

2009-02-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Howdy Ho's!

I didn't mean like "ho" and is in pimped out Ho's. I just wanted to say Howdy Ho! And, then I put an apostrophe s on the end.
That's life, now shove something in your face.

How in the hell is everyone? I hope you are fantastic and attacking life without any weapons.

I want to write on here more. Seriously - but my times and moods to write are a tricky, fickle, bitch-hole.

I only have 10 minutes to write - gotta go to work. I have to drive 40 minutes to the pre-school I work at. I actually don't mind the driving - I mind the TIME.

I want to check in with my sobriety writing. I googled a bunch of people who blog about sobriety and I love it. Sometimes I get antsy about doing it - because I'm not sure if it's annoying but then I'm like FUCK IT. It's my truth. The second I start doing things I "think" are cool or what I think we'll please people - that's when I suck balls on a Sunday in front of a deaf person who thinks it's hilarious.

I'm 10 1/2 months sober and my life has gotten pretty big. Am I happier? SOMETIMES. I had no idea what people meant about alcohol being a DISEASE until I got sober. I'd always hear about it..."Oh, it's a disease". I remember thinking "Oh, they call it a disease because being hungover all the time feels like having cancer (I assumed)."

But - NO it's a disease of the mind. Alcoholics brains are broken. Our brains are obsessive and negative. Whether it's a chemical imbalance and lack of serotonin - I don't know. And, it's weird b/c it's not necassarly depression - it's almost like manic thinking. And, usually whatever you are obsessing on - doesn't even exist.

Alcoholic are fuckin nutbags is what I'm trying to say. This first year of sobriety has been very emotional and super intense. I've tried to step out of myself these days when I get wound up, because it's really fun to watch if I remove myself. These feelings are so intense. I guess they've been buried for awhile and my feelings are feeling pissed off like "Hey, bitch! Thanks for stuffing us in a black hole for so long with the booze, you asshole. We'll show you! Oh, a friend of yours haven't called you back in a day? FEEL THIS! BOOOOOOM!"

Yeah, my feelings are mad at me, but I can tell they are getting over it. I feel a bit more serene these days.

But, since I quit the booze - this is how my life has changed and stayed the same.

---I still do stand up comedy, but I'm a different animal on stage. I LOVE it.

---I got a new job working with kids w/Autism and got certified as a behavioral interventionist. LOVE THIS WORK

---I don't really hang out with my old friends anymore. Not because they drink a lot, just because I've changed.

---The new friends I do have are fuckin incredible. Like the types of people you would say "I can't believe people like this even exist". They are just real nice.

---I realized I LOVE things. Like LOVE the little things. When I was drinking - everything had to be BIG AND AWESOME AND CRAZY. Now, if I eat a perfectly textured blueberry - I sort of orgasm.

---I really miss those BIG AND AWESOME AND CRAZY nights - but I cherish the mornings I can wake up and eat blueberries without wondering what the fuck I did.

Shit. I have to go to work now. More later.

Hope it's all good for you.

Peace,
Amber

2009-02-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'll give you five guesses on which one I am. Hint: "Smack Dab"

Peace,
Amber

2009-02-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

Slippity Bippity Boop Bop a Beep Bop

Title - Inspired by Cindi Lauper.

What's up mo fo's?

Just wanted to drop in on my own effin blog if that's ok with you? Is it?

Thanks for your permission to do some shit on here -- self.

Ok.... um.

I'm in the middle of a laundry load. Debating on going jogging or waiting out the dryer. I get antsy in my pants when I leave my clothes in the dryer. AND I took someone's clothes out of the dryer and they weren't fully dry yet (the dryer was done but the clothes didn't dry fully) I set them in a basket that was in the laundry room.

So.... when that person goes down there to get their clothes and finds them in the basket and they are damp - they are going to be pissed. I don't care - but I don't want them effin with my clothes.

I don't want them to be all "what the fuck. I need the dryer again - my clothes aren't "done" yet."

Who cares.

That's it.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-28T19:37:00.001-08:00

Audition for Montreal Comedy Festival Tomorrow Night.

Excitement.

I went to this festival a few years ago to do a theme show called DATING IT - but this time I'm going for more
of a showcase-y type of dealio.

My set list.

Brother
Deaf Convo
Funeral Fund
Black people/sharks (maybe)

I need to keep it clean. I have six minutes. Yee haw.

Oh yeah - and I've been invited to the SXSW festival to take part in the blogger awards stuff. Get the fuck out of this town with your stuff.

Thanks friends.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-28T06:59:00.001-08:00

Well Hello!!!

How's everyone doing? I've noticed my readership has gone up since I started writing for Pop Rock Candy Mountain.

Lets fuckin do this. Crap. I don't even know what I want to do. I'm just excited about readership.

My friend asked me to co-host her pod-cost called Dork Forrest, her name is Jackie Kashian and she's a REALLY funny, smart
comic. I was like "What do I have to do?"

And she just said - you come in and talk to me about whatever you dork out on. Like...what are you REALLY REALLY into and what do you know a lot about. Books, movies, music - whatever.

And I couldn't think of ANYTHING. I guess I'd feel comfortable calling myself a movie buff... but I don't know if I would have enough to say about them in a PodCast. Music - no way. I really, really like it but I don't know who sings what. I'll know the entire lyrics to a song but I won't know who sings. I know it's totally disrespectful to the artist.. I'll work on it. Books - I don't read a lot of non -fiction so I don't want to dork out on the spiritual, self help shit I read. It's just not funny (right now anyway).

And... so I was like "what the fuck DO I DORK OUT on?"

Autism and Alcoholism. Oh, and Alopecia.

The Triple A's of disorders and diseases.

I obsess about these things....

I'll see if I can go in and talk about that with her. Probably not.

What do you guys dork out on ?

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-26T18:43:00.001-08:00

Hi People!

I wrote a new column.

UNCONTROLLABLE SADNESS

http://poprockcandymountain.com/?p=1974

Check it,

Thanks.
Peace,
Amber

2009-01-26T18:39:00.000-08:00

Hi!

What are you wearing?

Check out my latest column

2009-01-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

Don't you worry about me, it's going to be just fine. I'll just cry and grow -flow with a reason every situation is a season - fall, winter, spring and summer. Things and people go round and round all the way around.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

Yizzo mind your own biz - add some fizz to your water w/a splash of cran or OJ and it'll feel real nice.

Rochelle is cool. Thanks for the emails and stuff. She was hanging out with a friend today and they are keeping an eye on her.
Yee haw. I talked to her today and she was in really good spirits - she had a happy sort of "Yeah it was crazy, but I'm cool" type of tone. You know that tone.

Ok.....

CAN YOU FEEL THE NEW AMERICA ENTERING YOUR MIND??

Everyone is saying they'll always remember where they were today....like when Kennedy died. I was probably living a past life when Kennedy died. I was an old man that was mean to animals - I think. BUT NOW, I'm a lady that is nice to kids. I was at the pre-school today and I was friggin pissed. They wouldn't let us turn watch/listen to the Inauguration on TV and/or the RADIO. I had a meltdown. I felt really, really shitty about it. Like super disconnected and a loser of an American. It should HAVE BEEN REQUIRED to watch it.

A) Preschoolers would have either been into it - or they would have gone on with their nose picking, role playing, crying, screaming, being hilarious, peeing in plants, etc.

B) It's one of the biggest days in history that TEACHERS will be TEACHING about for the rest of time.

C) I can't even type out reasons anymore b/c it's the most ass backwards school rule I've ever been involved in.

D) I'm gonna get fired.

I'll quit complaining about what I couldn't see at work and I'll watch Obama's speech right now.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hey People.

My little sister Rochelle landed in the hospital yesterday. She's totally fine now and back at home. She was hemorrhaging and they are going to run some more tests on her. Please think some good thoughts for her if you get some time. She's one of the coolest people I know and I love her VERY MUCH.

Thanks.
Peace,
Amber

PS OBAMA! YES WE CAN!

2009-01-19T20:01:00.001-08:00

Excitement.

2009-01-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Procrastination on MLK day.

I never procrastinate when it comes to procrastination. I get on it right away.

Things I'll procrastinate in honor of amazing black men and women.

Writing Tozer Show 3, I Want to Write About This and Ask Amber.
Writing in my journal
Hiking
Showering
Making some phone calls
Cleaning my room (I'm back in WeHo. Boo)
Pulling up my underwear
Plucking my brows.
Drinking OJ and Green Tea
Taking a nap
Flossing
Blah blah
Blooh blook
Donkey

I'm bored. Really fuckin bored. I'm ready to go back to work at the pre-school. I like feeling exhausted from doing shit not exhausted from not doing shit. But, I don't feel like doing shit so I'm not going to do shit until I wait to the last minute to do it - then I'll have so much to do - I'll do it then I'll be effin exhausted.

Ok! I'm so glad I figured out my procrastination plan.

Thanks for being here.

Peace,
Amber

Berna! Blog away sister.

2009-01-15T14:42:00.000-08:00

SICK ALERT.

Sickness is suckness.

I have the flu or something. It makes me want to throw this computer at a drawer full of coffee beans.

Better go before I ruin my computer.

I love your neck bone.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-12T17:30:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone!

I'm writing a new column for Pop Rock Candy Mountain.

It's called ----

Amber Tozer: I Want to Write About This

This one is about FIRST TIMES

http://poprockcandymountain.com/?p=1885

Please check it out.

Thanks. Gotta go. Bye. BYE I SAID!

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

Me and Rochelle!

2009-01-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

Everything is fine.

2009-01-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

I have a show tonight.

Key words for my set.

-Raped by a lady
-Pregnant raper
-Funeral fun
-Drunk sister
-Other sister
-Insecure about "hitting my bottom" (drinking)

Um - if I have more time I'll make up some other shit while I'm on stage.

AREN'T YOU GLAD I BLOGGED ABOUT THIS?

I'm so super tired, but happy to be alive.

I promise to write a long winded self-indulgent, boring post this weekend. JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!

I love your knees.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-08T18:06:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD!

HELLO!

SHORT POST.

UPDATE UPDATE

THERE IS NO UPDATE!

WELL THERE IS BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME.

I have to go run two miles as fast as I possibly can then take a shower.

That is all.

I hope 2009 is treating you all well.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

Nine Months No Booze -- Eight Months No Cigarettes.

I know I'm annoying blogging about sobriety, but that's the glory hole, I mean glory of having a blog. You can do whatever the fuck you want, when you want.

I know it's annoying because when I was drinking a lot- sober people sucked a large stinky cock-tart (breakfast of champions). So, I get it. If you don't want to read about sobriety for the next couple of minutes ... I suggest you click out of my self indulgent blog and onto something that makes you feel safe and connected to people more like yourself. I recommend Facebook over MySpace or maybe you can sit on the toilet and see what comes out.

Quick toilet rant---

I work in a pre-school and this happened.

A 3 year old boy walked up to me.....

Little kid: I HAVE TO GO POOP.
Me: Let's do it.

(Took him to the bathroom and he walks into the stall. I stand outside the bathroom door and wait for him. A few minutes go by. I yell in the bathroom)

Me: You ok in there?
LK: Nothing is coming out!!!
Me: That's the worst.
LK: A coin better at least pop out!
Me: Hahahahahha
LK: I'm serious!

After a few minutes he comes walking out of the bathroom disappointed.

Me: How'd it go?
LK: How do you think? I'm still broke.
Me: Hahahahahaha.

The End.

Ok.

Anyway... it's been a little over 9 months without the booze.

Is my life boring?

Yes.

Is it more exciting?

Yes.

It's weird. It's boring in a sense that I don't get those wild nights sprinkled with moments of (what I think is) Euphoria. The nights that I start drinking at one place and four hours later I end up at a friend of a friends house party talking to a stranger about really personal shit.

Do I miss it?

Yes. I do... I miss the feeling of letting it all go and not giving a fuckin shit about shit and if I need to shit in a bush - so be it. I'm wasted. Nothing matters except the fact that I'm not in reality and I THINK everything is sweet ass.

Do I miss waking up and seeing that same stranger I poured my guts out to while I wasted and thinking to myself "Oh God. Why did I tell him/her all that stuff? Did I let her/him finger me? Jesus. Where is my left shoe at?"

No fuckin way. I don't miss that a tiny bit.

On New Years Eve I poured my heart out to a friend... I cried. I was feeling really lonely, sort of isolated and just over all sad. I had just returned to La from a trip to see my family in Colorado. It was sort of a sad trip (family stuff) and I came back to the emptiness LA sometimes brings about. I was being a crybaby - but I was just FEELING it. FEELING IT.

I cried and cried. We were sitting outside the Arclight movie theater after seeing DOUBT (loved it). She just sat there and listened to me. It was so awesome. Besides the people staring at me...it was just nice to cry and I didn't wake up this morning feeling guilty about it. I felt great, like -- the shit that was bugging me is gone.

I realized I cried not only because I'm a sappy nut that never allowed the sap to come out - it's because I'm letting go of the last bits of my old life and it really fuckin hurts. I've had to let go of some friends, some "activities" and I've had to go through the motions of letting it happen, going to the bottom of a feeling and riding it out. Instead of trying to change shit.

It's boring in a sense that instead of parting and raging and "having a good time" on NYE's instead - I cried my face off. It's exciting in way that allowed it to happen like that and now I feel the euphoria I used to get from the bottle. Not only is it real, it's progress, it's growth and it's realization.

Progress in sobriety is a painful process, but I know it leads to way better things. If it doesn't, I don't care. It's cheaper, my skin looks better, my choice in men has sky-rocketed and my tears are coming from growth and not regret. I'll take it! I'm going to let myself to get empty so I can fill up with good stuff.

This years New Years wasn't a "blast" or "crazy" - but it's one that I'll remember.

Happy 2009.

Peace,
Amber

ps. If you are like "GOD QUIT BLOGGING ABOUT SOBRIETY WE GET IT. SHUT UP ALREADY. JESUS. LIGHTEN UP." Go fuck yourself! I told you to stop reading in the first couple of paragraphs. Pay attention!

pss. Go see DOUBT!

2009-01-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I blogged about a party I wasn't invited too. I'm such a dick.

It's sort of making me laugh.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Oh!

I'm going to start writing for

http://poprockcandymountain.com/

as a featured columnist.

Do you guys have any ideas for a column???

I'm going to keep doing the advice column ASK AMBER at comedy.com -- so anything but an advice column.

All suggestions welcome !

Thanks.

Peace,
Amber

2009-01-01T11:21:00.001-08:00

HAPPY FUCKIN NEW YEAR HUMANS!

It's 2009.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was

"I'm going to act like a bitch today"

Then I got really, really worried that I was going to set the tone of my personality for the entire year. Then, I decided to do something productive. I sat up, walked to the bathroom discovered 2 new zits, washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on a clean t-shirt over the shirt I slept in, packed up my computer and walked down the street to SUBWAY to get a cup of COFFEE!

Fuck. I'm not supposed to be drinking this shit. I guess I can quit today. The day isn't over. I'm going to do it. I want to see if my brain changes. And, I'm going to take fish oil supplements.

Oh yeah -last night was New Years. I went to this really big fuckin house in Bev Hills. It was WAY IN THE HILLS. Way up in a part of a canyon I didn't even really know existed. It was a huge house with a fancy flat pool (you know how those really flat sleek skinny pools look) with a diving board and there was a kick ass balcony with overlooking with a sweet view of Laurel Canyon.

We (my dear friend Cheri and her bro and fiance) attempted to watch a screener of SEVEN POUNDS but the DVD was all effed up so we watched BURN AFTER READING (I had already seen it so I passed out).

Then I drove home.

It sounds really, really boring but it was really fuckin cool.

I was sort of upset because a friend of mine, someone I've known for years had a party and didn't invite me. What an asshole, huh? Well, maybe she thinks I'm the asshole. I don't know. Maybe her and I should compare assholes. I bet you hers is bigger and grosser. That's gross that I'm writing about it - FUCK HER.

Seriously. I know I shouldn't be blogging about it but I've realized when I write when I'm really, really mad is when the magic on the page happens. I mean how in the fuck are you friends with someone - like really good friends with someone for almost eight years and not invite them to your New Years Eve party - while inviting mutual friends to it? As if I'm not going to hear about it....what a dickbar.

It might be because I'm not drinking anymore ... I know when I was drinking sober people made me nervous but FRIENDSHIP is a different animal. AND - she's in her late 30's not 22.

Right here, right now - as you three readers of my blogs are my witness I, Amber Tozer, pledge to drop the zeros and fuck a super hero.

Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, All of the X-Men, The Fantastic Four....

I'm going to bang all of them in honor of ridding myself of fake dirty assholes.

OH MY GOD I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Peace,
Amber

ps. What did you guys do for New Years?

2008-12-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD I JUST TOOK THE BEST CRAP EVER!

LET'S CELEBRATE!

Aight aight, let's get down on this bingalingaboom boom boom.

So I guess I should be writing about the New Year. No, I don't want too. Well, I sort of do.

I'm giving up coffee on New Years Day. I'm switching to green tea. Oh, and I'm not going to eat sugar and dairy products. I feel like I might have a little depression running through my body and I don't want to take meds b/c I always hear people say "I had to switch my meds b/c I felt crazy...or I'm off my meds and I feel really pissed off.... or my doctor just upped my dosage of meds and I want off them!'

I just always hear people and how they feel "off their meds", I never want to get on them so I don't have to be "off them".

Oh, and I'm not going to "sit and think" so much. This fuckin kills me. I'm going to keep busy, like my mom. My mom never sits still...EVER. I'm watching her right now and she's doing paper work for her restaurant AND making her bed at the same time. Oh, and she's watching the news. WOW. Is she a happy person? Not really, but at least she's doing shit.

Ok - and I'm going to wash my hands more and wear dresses at least once a month... w/boots.

Oh and I'm going to blow dry my hair instead of "washing and going" once a month.

And, I'm going to date a chick (maybe, probably not)

Oh oh oh and I'm going to stop hanging around people that suck my energy out of my asshole. I mean suck my energy out in general. I hate when I get "out of my asshole" and "in general" mixed up.

Oh oh oh - and I'm not going to cater to people who think they are entitled to being catered too.

Um- and I'll stop acting entitled.

Oh oh and I'll sell my animated series to TBS or FX. Yeah, that needs to happen.

OH OH OH OH - and I'll write all the time even though my pre-school day job exhausts me.

And I'll end my blogs unexpectedly.

One more thing.....

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-26T07:40:00.000-08:00

LAST DAYS OF 2008

I'm home in Pueblo, Co. So far this has happened:

-Major constipation (slowly crapping it out)
-My cousin Kim has said "I'm sorry" 1,276 times
-I've realized that I got ripped off in the "gay brother" department. He is so insensitive (and gay).
-I got to hear my Grandma Babe say "Shove an angel up your ass"
-I did all my christmas shopping in less than an hour and spent $ 111.67.
-My sister Rochelle said the funniest thing (she's bald and she's a waitress)

She was talking about server food to a table and they said

"Miss, there is a hair in our food".

She said "Ok - that's DEFINITELY not mine. I'm not taking the bullet for that."

You had to effin be there - but it was hilarious.

Ok. I have to go now. I have a show in Denver tonight and a show at Do Drop that I'm forcing myself to do b/c I'm broke.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-20T10:02:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of my friend Karey Dornetto and I from my 26th birthday at a bar in NYC! The year was 2003 and the style was gross.

Holy balls. We were bother fatter and uglier back then.

Now I'm a lady and she's a REAL lesbian.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, so for the past few weeks I've been taking a training course to get certified as an Intense Behavior Interventionist, an IBI if you will. I just found out that I passed and I'm now certified to work with kids with autism - one on one.

I've been working in a pre-school for the past month and I'm super paranoid about writing about everything that's going down in my world. I don't know why - but I think I'm just paranoid that teachers and parents will find my filth online but I have to take the chance and be myself in every aspect of my life - otherwise I'll start to resent one thing or another and my craft of ridiculiousness will die along with my sweet horny soul and it's possible that I might hop back on the booze. Screw that shit.

So - I guess the best thing for me to do is to write about it.

The truth - I'm a recovering alcoholic that writes dirty advice columns, tells dirty jokes and now works with kids with autism.

What's the big deal? There isn't one, right?

Ok. I'm over it.

I guess sometimes I have to break it down on a page in order to see the truth.

I love the job. I love the kids. I love the work.

I don't like one teacher who doesn't like me - but I really don't give a shit. She's really friggin negative. Honestly - you could be like "Hey lady, here's a million dollars cash, a free lyposuction certificate and a dozen roses" and, she'd probably be like "Ohhhh - aren't thorns on roses nightmares?"

Seriously, she says these words over and over all day long

Nightmare
Horrible
Awful
Horrific
Tragic

Blah. I guess her negativity is contagious because I'm writing about it. Hopefully her fat ass isn't contagious.

SO MEAN. I actually like fat asses, honestly - sometimes I'll look at someone's fat ass and want to touch it. You know - because there is just so much going on back there - I wanna feel it and poke at it. But, I don't want to touch this ladies fat ass and she's the one that's missing out.

BLAH.

I'm going to CO for a week for Christmas.

I'll write about that when the experience happens.

Good day!

Peace,
Amber

ps. I've made the decision to blog about my day job b/c if I don't - I'll suffer. I won't ever mention names, but if I end up getting canned over it - it'll just be apart of my journey as a human on planet earth. Who cares. Bye!

2008-12-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

Ching a ling ring.

You: Hello?

Them: Hi. What are you doing?

You: Talking to you.

Them: What were you doing before I called.

You: Does it really matter?

Them: No.

You: Good. What do you want?

Them: Attention.

You: Get drunk and sing karoke with other drunks.

Them: It's too cold to go out.

You: Call your mom and tell her your pregnant, if you are guy tell her you have aids.

Them: That's crazy.

You: Your the one calling me telling me you need attention.

Them: I'm not a real person, I'm just in a blog.

You: Quit being so literal. Just play along.

Them: Ok. How can I get attention?

You: Throw crap at a cabbie.

Them: Brilliant.

You: I'm a tortured genius.

Them: I feel tortured.

You: Hang up on me then.

Them: You are in control of this situation.

You: I surrender to this sitution.

Them: You're like Jesus.

You: Did you throw your crap at a cabbie yet?

Them: No. I'll do it now.

You: Don't slip on a banana peel before you crap.

Them: Ok.

You: Bye.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Oh my God, I'm sitting at a SUBWAY (sandwich) shop in downtown LA right now.

The SUBWAY staff is having a meeting right next to me.

I'm going to jot down stuff that is said when I hear it.

The manager is leading the meeting..... 8 employees are sitting at a big table.

The manager just asked everyone what they thought of the year

Lady #1 - Sales are getting better.

Manager: They are getting better ...not great but good.

The manager is going around the table asking everyone thought ....and everyone is making general
statements. "Good, good it was good."

FUCKIN BORING.

I wish everyone had a case of "liar liar".

Lady #3 - It's getting better everyday. Learning stuff...it's good.

Manager: What do you want to be known for as an employee? What should be known for as a store?

Man #1 - Being fast and nice.

Manager - How do we get there?

Lady #1 - Communication. We don't talk to the night people that much.

Manager - Very important - so the problems are between the night people and the morning people?
(He cracked a joke and I couldn't really hear what he said. He got a laugh though.

The employees seem sort of into it - but I want to know what they are REALLY thinking.

All I know is that the manager is condescending. He's talking like he's teaching a pre-school class.

Where's the motivation manager??? Where is the positivity???

He's actually not that bad of a guy - but I feel like he's talking like he's really smart AND he's just waiting for death.

I'm going to stop listening to this right now. I never want to get be a sandwich artists at SUBWAY, it might turn me into a boring asshole. This post is boring. And, I think it's because I'm sitting at SUBWAY. Sandwiches are pretty boring when you think about it. Like, "what did you have for lunch.?" " A sandwich".

That's boring.

I'm hungry.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

This is a picture I recently came across from an old pal - John Perry. For those of you who haven't been reading my blog for over two years - I'll back track.

In the summer of 2006 I went to Mauritius - an island nation of the coast of Africa. It was one of the coolest experiences of my entire life. My friend Jen Kirwin moved there with her very cool and resourceful husband, Marc.

Anyway - while I was there the reality TV show THE AMAZING RACE was filming an episode on the island. They hired me to be Phil Keogan's assistant. He was really self contained and only asked me for a bottle of water two times.

This picture is of me and John Perry - he was a cameraman - and this was actually taken in New Jersey. While I was in Mauritius we all realized that the final episode (of that season) was going to be filming in NY/NJ and I would be there the same time they would be there. SO - I got hired AGAIN for the finale.

This picture was taken moments after two good looking dudes won a million dollars. Right there on that very spot is where the magic happened in NJ. I remember taking that picture - I put my leg up to be all sexy and the executive producer Bert Van Munster was watching us get horny and happy in front of the camera. He didn't look happy - he doesn't like staff horsing around and what not. But, he was sort of an asshole. I shouldn't be blogging about this because I signed a bunch of paperwork and shit - but whatever. Burt was a prick. Control freak. AND - his assistant in Maurice was, Louise, a friend I made in Mauritius. She was sexy, nice and cool. Burt kept calling her and inviting her to France - and Burt is married!

Fuckin pig.

Anyway - I was trying to keep this post all nice and blah blah. But the TRUTH is - that picture was a moment in time and I remember it. And, I remember Burt ruining it just by being in "that space". Negative energy. He's super smart and successful - that show is really really, AMAZING. But, his wife, I forget her name, had as much to do with the success of it as he did. His ego just so happens to be larger than South Africa and so he gets all the recognition.

I'm so sick of people, mostly men (I'm not a man hater, this stat is just a fact) who think they are tortured geniuses or whatever. They say "no one understands them" and some of them are successful and some are not. And, for the most part they are facsinating and different and have sweet ass ideas - but they torture those around them. Narcissists, sociopaths, ego-maniacs - these peeps can be found on the A-Lists, as CEO's, on skid row - they are everywhere.

I think the true geniuses LEARN. They learn through other people and give back. I think the universal consciences is changing and SOCIOPATHS who are considered "brilliant and misunderstood" will slowly lose their flare and be labeled "fuckin idiots".

I hope that's the case. I'm really sick of takers. And, if they are so brilliant or whatever - they can sit in a room by themselves and record what they are thinking and post it on YouTube or whatever.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

WHERE IS THAT PUKING SOUND COMING FROM? OH, FROM THAT DIRECTION.

By:
Amber Lea (pronounced Lee) Tozer

The other night I went to my friend Karey's house to watch a movie. She burnt some microwavable popcorn. It stunk up the house, the fire alarm did not go off. I was like "What the eff? I need to hear that alarm!" Karey then made some yummy homemade type of popcorn that blew my mind out of my skull. As I listened to the kernels explode in the pot - I thought to myself - what if you had no idea that a corn kernel could turn into pop corn? Could you imagine living in time period where you didn't know about popcorn?

If I were hanging out around corn and a fire and the kernels started to explode and then I ate a kernel and realized how friggin delicious it was - I just might have to travel across the lands to see who else knew about popcorn. I'd do some serious PR for popcorn. And, whoever added butter and salt to my popcorn would have gotten a serious blow job or boobie rub. I wonder if back in the caveman days - if someone figured out a serious survival skill - if sex followed. You know - just so excited figure out something else cool to eat besides an animal - that would totally make me horny.

DAMN - TANGENT!

Ok. So I'm at Karey's and we watched a scary movie that wasn't scary THE STRANGERS - with Liv Tyler. It was soooooooo not scary - it was one of those scary movies where every two seconds you are screaming "DONT DO THAT STUPID. UGH. OH GOD. YEAH RIGHT. WHAT AN IDIOT". I think a scary movie should only be allowed to have two BAD IDEA moves (going back into the house, leaving someone alone, not having on shoes, doing something stupid with the cell phone, etc). THE STRANGERS had 47 bad ideas ...and the crap thing is - it could have had tons of potential. The movie was inspired by true events - two people are held hostage and murdered in a vacation home. Sort of like FUNNY GAMES - but not as good.

It was just bad. Karey kept fast forwarding to the parts that were supposed to be scary - so it did take some of the suspense out of it ---- but it was bad and I was thankful she blasted through the badness with the flare of the fast forward button.

So...anyway - I left. I went home. I park in the parking garage. I get out. And, I'm a little scared. The movie scared me afterward. I was like "GOD DAMMIT - JUST BECAUSE I WAS ALL LIKE "THIS MOVIE ISN"T SCARY IT'S STUPID. I HATE IT. WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?" NOW I'M GOING TO BE HUMBLED BY GETTING MURDERED IN THIS PARKING GARAGE.

My heart was pounding. Parking garages are creepy. So.... I lean in my car and grab my back -back and an old coffee cup I was gonna throw away. Just then, I hear someone grunting. Somone REALLY grunting - like they are getting stabbed. Then I hear a splatter. A grunt. Then a splatter. A REALLY BIG GRUNT and then A BIG SPLAT SPLAT SPLASH SPLATTER.

I was like "Oh my God, someone is puking!". I walked around...following the sound of the grunts and the splats. They get louder.

GRUNT SPLAT GROAN.

I see an SUV parked by the wall...both doors are open. I see a man hunched over in the drivers side. His body is limp - I can't see his face... just his hunchback.

Me: Are you ok?

Him: Yeah...I'm fine. I just have the flu.

Me: Do you need some help?

Him: No. No... I'm fine.

Me: Ok. Bye.

I walked away and just left him there.

His car was gone this morning, his puke was not. It looked like he had a fancy dinner - yeah - his puke was super fancy. No one with the flu eats a fancy meal. Right? I wonder what was wrong with him. I mean - Yeah - maybe he had the flu. Maybe - but I just don't think it's common for adult to get the "throw up" type of flu and spew out a fancy looking meal (salad, pasta, I think there as some fish or veal in there). I REALLY studied his puke. I just think when adults get the flu - it's usually a cold or the craps - but when a grown man pukes ...it makes me wonder.

Maybe he...

Was drunk
Has cancer
Had food poisoning
Is a boy- bulimic
Was on his way to murder me, but then realized he didn't have the stomach for it.

I just don't believe he had "the flu". I don't know why - I just don't.

Anyway - it was just really odd searching for the person who was puking in the parking garage. I've been in a lot of "where is that noise coming from?" type of situations - but never the puking type.

It was intense.

Good day.

Peace,
Amber

2008-12-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

HEY EVERYONE!

OH OK!

BYE!

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-30T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday - was my 8 month sober anniversary. Oh yeah oh yeah. I've never been sober for this long.

I'm not as emotional or up and down all around town about it any more.....it is what it is. I'm an alcoholic. I can't do anything that will effect me from the neck up - otherwise I'll get really addicted to it and it will take priority over everything else and I'll just get buzzed I'll just putz around fantasizing about how great I am ...then my buzz will end and I'll feel like shit and wonder how I could think I was so great when I was bombed. The only truth in being wasted was that my problems in reality were still there, no matter how drunk I got. I remember it being too much to handle for me, THEN I'd do whatever (smoke pot, drink, etc) and the cycle will start over again.

No thanks. Did that for almost a decade. Didn't work.

I was talking to this pot head the other day and he was like "Well, uh. I don't know man - I have ADD and anxiety and sometimes I can't sleep and pot helps me. And, it just makes everything more fun. And, I can quit at anytime. When I don't smoke it - I don't really miss it... I just like being high".

And, then he admitted that he thinks he wishes he could stop b/c it's expensive and he wastes a lot of time sitting around getting/being high.

And, this is a guy who smokes all day, every day.

I'm like "How do you even fuckin know how you feel? Honestly - for someone who is high 80% of the time - how in the mother-eff do you know anything about yourself other than the fact that you like being high?"

I'm a preachy peach, but he was curious about sobriety so I felt like he wanted some truth.

He was like " Uhhh. I don't know. I just like it. When I'm not high I'm grouchy and shit". Then he took a hit from his one hitter... a few minutes later he started talking to me again and was all abstract and excited about a short film he wants to make. I indulged him - then as he lost his buzz (30 minutes or so) he ordered a pizza and turned on the TV. When I asked him what he wanted to do later that day he took another hit from his one hitter - then he got lost in the TV. I waited for the pizza because I was starving had a slice and l left.....went for a walk downtown.

My biggest fear with sobriety is that I thought my life would be really boring - but it's no boring than sitting around being buzzed in a fantasy of your brain.

I guess I'm just trying to look at sobriety as a social experiment. I did this with booze/weed for a long time. I would be sober, have a drink and REALLY pay attention to the way it made me feel. Then I would have another drink and another....and realized that it made me feel really fuckin great. THEN - I would forget about everything and drink seven more drinks and wake up starring reality in the face. Scary. Then- it would start all over again.

UGH.

Thank God that shit is done. I'm not saying that I don't miss it. I miss that FEELING of not feeling. But, feelings are there for a reason - ya know? And, if you have to chemically induce a physical change in your nervous system - it kills the soul.

If my life is a little bit more boring and I'm not as CRAZY as I used to be - so be it. I've noticed a drop in friends (drinking buddies) inviting me out and when guys realize I'm sober - it's definitely a buzz kill. I get it - when I would be around a sober person when I was getting hammered I wanted them to get the eff away -" GO HOME AND READ A BOOK WHILE I DRINK SOME CONFIDENCE AND MAKE OUT WITH A GUY THAT'S NOT WORTHY OF MY SEXY BODY!"

I get it.

Now... I've accepted it. And, there is strength in accepting and/or surrendering. No resistance. This allows for other shit to show up in your life... alternatives.

Speaking of which - today is my last day of coffee shop writing. I got a new job. I'm obsessed with it. I start full time tomorrow - I'm working in a pre-school with kids with autism. I'm in a main stream classroom, two of the kids have autism and I need to make sure they are "socialized". The school is paying for training and in a few months I'll be able to take on private clients working with parents and kids in their homes. It's a long story on how I got involved in this - but I love it. It's such a crazy balance to my comedy career.

More on this later - I have to take a dump.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-25T09:03:00.001-08:00

ASK AMBER: LOOKING FOR "THE ONE" AND SOME DORITOS

Hi Pretty Pigs,

Is it just me or have black people been acting really cocky since Obama won the election? Who cares.

Read this! Do it! I'm bossy!

Dear Amber,

I recently overheard two hot girls talking in a bar about guys and they said "Guys are pigs" about 74 times. Then they flaunted their cleavage around and were rubbing up all over any dude that gave them attention. It pissed me off. I want to be in a committed relationship but I just feel with the combination of "guys are pigs" stigma and lack of cool girls… I feel like it's almost impossible to get serious with anyone.

What do you suggest?

Thanks,
Looking for the One

Hi Looking for the One,

Thanks for writing in. I'm sorry you haven't found a cool girl, you might be looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces, searchin' some eyes of what … you're …dreaming of. WAIT A LOS ANGELES MINUTE! Are you Waylon Jennings? Nah, you're not because in that classic catchy song he found the one. Oh, and he's dead. Damn-slam-lets-jam-on-a-banjo. Someone grab the spoons and slap 'em on a knee or two!

Ok – here's the deal. Some girls do think guys are pigs, but a lot of girls are pigs themselves. Girls who are pretty, who manipulate, who get involved with a guy for any other reason then truly liking him (maybe he has money, status, a cute brother, etc) are lady pigs.

"Oink oink"

Oh Shit. I gotta check on something real quick. Be right back.

(Four minutes later)

I thought there was a pig outside but it was just a lady choking on a Dorito. Her friends were standing watching her die. It's their business not mine.

Anyoinks- I think you should write a list of things you are looking for in a girl (besides your penis). It'll help you get clear on the type of lady you want to have a relationship with. I'll do this with you because I'm currently looking for a nice guy or a nice girl (I'm bi-sexual today).

You write out your list, I'll write out my list. Ready… go!

My ideal mate:

Funny, sweet, doesn't suck food out of their teeth with their tongue, calls to ask how my day is going, is nice to strangers, has a really big cock (or sexy twat), can deal with my phobia of opening mail, doesn't encourage me to drink alcohol because if I do I probably won't ever stop and I'll die in a ditch 40 pounds underweight then my little sisters will follow in my footsteps and my mother will out live us all and she'll go insane in a nursing home cursing the Glamour Shot picture I took wearing a borrowed necklace that I never returned, is responsible, a movie buff, doesn't expect me to cook or clean or to be in a good mood, loves animals, never says the word pussy out loud, can tell a good story, doesn't shit the bed and blame it on me, loves what they do for a living, eats my pussy out constantly, is ok with me crying a lot for no reason, isn't threatened by my success if I am ever successful, eats my pussy out constantly, oh wait I already said that, are you still reading this? Ok. Great.

Phew. I am ready for love, are you? I wish I could see your list.

I don't know man, I say just keep an open mind and engage in engaging people. I think it's pretty obvious to pick up on intentions of the pretty girls who just act pretty and expect the men they hook up with to change their life. Pretty is a fun word. It's simple, the more a girl is like "Check out my hot body" the more likely she is a pig and pig men fall for it. It happens every night, mostly at bars and parties. BORING. SNOOZE FEST. MIGHT AS WELL TAKE TEN HUNDRED AMBIEN AND PASS OUT. TEN HUNDRED IS A FUN NUMBER.

I'm not saying that all hot girls, just act pretty, there are a lot of beautiful women who know when, how and where to take advantage of their hotness (I don't feel like giving an example, suck it). It's fun to dress up and look beautiful, it feels nice, but if that's all a girl has going for her - UGH. When those types of girls open their mouth I feel like lodging a Cool Ranch Dorito in their trachea. Oh, now that I think of it - the lady who was choking on a Dorito was really pretty, I wonder if someone forced that chip down her throat because she was annoying.

I'm going to go back and check what's going on with the Dorito lady.

(Seven minutes later)

I talked to one of her friends and I asked what happened. Here's the convo:

Me: Is your friend ok? I heard her choking on Dorito.

Friend: How did you know it was a Dorito?

Me: Great fuckin question.

Friend: My friend Barry shoved it down her throat.

Me: I thought that's what happened.

Friend: How did you know that?

Me: Because I'm a writer.

Friend: Ah. I get it. She was just annoying. Barry dated her and she would obsess over her weight, her clothes, her nightlife … she wants to be famous for basically being pretty. She has no personality, no guts, no truth, she's a fake.

Me: Damn man. What flavor of Doritos did Barry shove in her face?

Friend: I'm not sure. Try to guess it. You are a writer.

Me: Fire Blast.

Friend: Is that a real flavor?

Me: No, but I like the word blast.

The End

Hmpphhh. I can't believe that conversation took seven minutes.

This reminds of the time when I went through a phase in my life where I was pretty cute. Please excuse my arrogance, but I was fuckin adorable. Everyone told me I was, and I believed it. I stopped using my brain. I would just smile, flirt, act pretend naïve and hook up with guys who were sick in the head and bad in the sack. Someone should have shoved Salsa Verde Doritos in every orifice of my body until I died. During my really cute phase I never attracted a good guy– I attracted the pigs because I was a lady pig.

You'll start attracting the cool girls just because you want too. Holy fucknut – it's the Law of Attraction! Seriously, man. Since I stopped being adorable, I mean, I still am (wink, flash my tiny fun tits) but my brain is back in the picture, I've attracted some really nice guys. Just the other day this guy on MySpace sent me a message and instead of saying the usual, "You are super hot and I want to fuck your face off", he said, "I read your blog and I think you are really funny and smart".

I know it sounds like I'm using your question to brag about myself, and you are right, but I can only give advice based on my experience. I think you are going to be fine. You seem super aware of your situation and you know what you want – so I'm sure the lady of your dreams will come to fruition very, very soon. She'll be pretty.

Biggity sliggity don't be a piggity.

Peace,
Amber

P.S. Doritos and Ambien didn't pay me an effin dime for pluggin their product. Even when I do sell out, I don't get paid! So – if you like my work and you are rich please donate money -PAYPAL BUTTON ON THE RIDE SIDE OF THIS BLOG.

If you can't give me money, can I at least get some pussy?

WHOA!

2008-11-19T10:27:00.001-08:00

Slibbity slabbity slippity doobity.

I wish there was a language where every word ended with an "ity".

I would be a singer, a poet, a translator... anything and everything that deals with words. Oh, I guess I'd be a writer too.

Who fuckin cares. GOD. I went to see my friend, Christina's baby yesterday. So so so so so cute. She slept most of the time. Her name is Hazel, she's about two weeks old. TINY TOT. I know Christina from NYC she's a comic/writer/mom. She has two little girls, her other baby girl is Lucy, she's 2. Lucy was at day care yesterday so I didn't get to see her. Christina gave me some vitamins. She insisted I take home some muli-vitamins. Not the kind from the grocery store, but the kind from the health food store. I've taken two vitamins so far. After the first one I took, I took a nap and woke up with a big zit on my cheek. I took another on this morning and I'm waiting to see what happens....

TEMPTED BY THE FRUIT OF ANOTHER is playing right now at the coffee shop I'm addicted too. Reminds me of the movie REALITY BITES. I LOVED that movie. I wish someone would come along and make another "time captured" movie - a movie that capture a time and a "feeling". Like...NAPOLEAN DYNOMITE, ROMY AND MICHELLE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, BREAKFAST CLUB, ETC (ETC is not a movie).

Maybe I'll fuckin write a cult classic movie! No I won't. I want to get hypnotized and brainwashed. I'll do that first, then write a movie. I have a problem with procrastination and not finishing things. It all has to do with with self - esteem and shit. I know it does. MOTHER EFFNESS!

To do lists for today:

-Finish five minute script
-Post on Craigslist
-Email Bron, Jen, Lisa, Shan
-Write one new bit for stand up
-Figure out money situation
-Get in touch with HR
-Go to movie with Karey
-Pick question for column
-WORK OUT
-Read about miracles
-Eat a few things.

Ok. I gotta go do 50 percent of 3 of these things.

Peace,
Amber

ps The second vitamin is making feel like I'm in love. But, I'm not. WEIRD.

2008-11-17T08:06:00.000-08:00

Coffee is starting to bloat my stomach. Or maybe it's just at this particular coffee shop.

I'll be 32 next year and I am noticing little "old lady" things. Here is a list.

1) GAS - I fart like it's as necessary as breathing.
2) My hair- I have a few grey, but I've noticed that it's not as alive. My hair is dead.
3) I'm tiny and toned (brag) but I have flab in a few places that I've never had before.
4) I'm more quick to tell someone to go fuck themselves (as opposed to wanting them to like me)
5) I wanna know more about EVERYTHING. History, politics, psychology, cell phone plans, interest rates, civil rights, fiber, etc.
6) I want to squeeze little kids and tell them it's all going to be ok (I think I used to like to mess with them, like pretend I was choking when I wasn't)

It's sort of funny - I want to do this bit on how I think having a spiritual awakening (quitting drinking and seeking a better way of life) is going to ruin my comedy career. I think it might be funny to go up on stage and just be full of RAGE of on how I wanna be a nicer, more giving person and be like

"FUCK! THIS GOD DAMN SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE IS GOING TO RUIN MY COMEDY! THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT VOLUNTEERING AND BEING A GOOD LISTENER! AND, IF YOU ARE TRULY A GOOD PERSON YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS YOU DO! YOU JUST DO IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT! GOD DAMN IT! THIS NEW SPIRITUAL PATH I'M ON IS NOT HILARIOUS!"

Something like that... just be full of rage at the goodness I'm seeking because it's not funny. I would really have to commit to the delivery since there aren't any jokes in it.

Ok. I gots to get movin. Have a lovely effin day.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-13T19:39:00.001-08:00

I love downtown. I feel like a new lady.

I'm diggin this new coffee shop too. Except -- I almost exploded with rage a few minutes ago. There was this guy sitting at the table next to me and he was eating a panini. And, he was so effin loud! Oh. I wanted to smoke a cigarette so bad because of it. It was nuts. I mean, the way he was eating was out of control - but so was my reaction to it.

It was just so loud it was unbelievable. Smacking his chops, licking is fingers, chompin like a monkey. I looked at him a few times and I was like REALLY? I even plugged my ears at one point because I couldn't take it. I was thinking of walking away for a second but I became infatuated with how loud he was eating.

Ugh. I could never date that guy. And, I'm a pig. Seriously, I ate a Taco Bell Big Beef Burrito today in my car and I'm sure I have
cheese and sour cream on my steering wheel - but this guy...fuckin gross. I wish I could have recorded it. I guess this will be the only documentation of that loud mo fo eating like an animal. I'm going to call him THE DISGUSTING PANINI POUNDER.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

DIGGITY DOWNTOWN CHARLIE AND JULIE BROWN

I moved. I like it. I mean, I didn't MOVE - I'm just staying with a friend for awhile. I think I might be over my place in West Hollywood. I LOVE my new roommate but - I'm over the neighborhood, the building, the space, the dickbags I keep running into. Yeah, there are few dick bags dickin around my place that I sometimes feel like throwing over a balcony.

I think I might let that place go soon...we'll see.

I'm currently staying in Bunker Hill, downtown LA, the historic district, right by china town, korea town ...

I'm in a coffee shop I've never been in. It's pretty sweet ass. They have gelato, snacks, peppy music, CNN, wireless, a nice lady working the counter... oh I could go on and on and on and on.

I'm going to go walking around this mo fo part of town later on. I wonder what will happen. I hope something exciting. Ever since I stopped drinking I don't have much drama - it's strictly shit that I make up.

The other night I was at a comedy show and some guy started to talking to me. I tricked him into thinking I was deaf.

I'm an A-hole BUT COME ON! What the eff else am I suppose to do. Back in the day I would have probably gotten tanked, went home with him, blue balled him, then did one of the following

1) Dodged his phone calls if he called me
2) Obsessed on why he wasn't calling me if he wasn't calling me
3) Didn't remember it happening

NO THANK YOU. LEAVE YOUR SHOES AT THE DOOR.

OH - GET READY FOR A SHORT FILM THAT'LL BE A BLAST!

I'll post it tonight or tomorrow.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sunday Sunday......

I'm trying to type this super duper quietly. There is a dude sleeping on the couch in the living room and I'm just a few feet away from him. I wonder who he is. I mean, I know he's my roommate friends because she was going out last night and I overheard her talking about riding together with someone. I do believe they went to a nightclub. I do believe? Who says shit like that. Anyboots....

I wonder who he is. I think he's a doctor. My roommates a doctor and hangs out with people from the hospital. Or, maybe he's a patient. Maybe he's dead. I don't know.

All I I know is that there was definitely booze involved. Here are the clues.

1) He's sleeping on the couch in his clothes, using his jacket as a pillow.
2) He didn't wake up when I screamed when I saw him on the couch.
3) There are fast food wrappers strung about.
4) Grown men only sleep over other people's house for 2 reasons. 1) To get laid. 2) Too drunk to drive. My roommate is a lady.

That's about it.

It's mornings like these I don't miss drinking. I love being around people on hangovers...it just reminds me of "what it was like".

I sort of wanted to drink this past week. It's the first time I REALLY wanted to drink since I stopped. I've had little cravings here and there ... but this week I fantasized about it. A glass of wine and a cigarette. FUCKIN YUM. I used to sit on my balcany all of the time and drink and chain smoke. I would fantasize about how I was going to be a star, and how I would write all this great stuff. Then I would just keep drinking and thinking...by myself. Then I would call people and talk their faces off and wake up the next morning having no idea what I said. I never wrote anything on those nights and I never performed. I just drank and overanalyzed everything. LOSER.

OH SHIT.

The guy just woke up. He's asian and his name is Alex. He passed out again.

Anyway - I think I wanted to drink this week b/c of the election....and I'm moving downtown....and I'm up for a new job....and I had to turn in a treatment (I did this-wasn't in love with it but I LOVE the actual show). So...just a lot of change is stirring around and I'm a creature of habit and I wanted to numb my worries and feelings by getting shitcanned. I wanted to get really fuckin wasted and think I was great and LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEEE everybody and talk a bunch of bullshit. I wanted to escape. But- I couldn't. I can't. If I start drinking again....I don't know if I'll be able to stop and that scares the shit out of me. It happens to a lot of people.

I guess I'll just keep writing about it. And, sobriety has been really fuckin good to me so I want to pay it forward (somehow).

Alright, I'm gonna go to my bedroom now so this guy can wake up and sneak out with out having to deal with me. He seems shy and I think he's fake sleeping at this point.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

Shiny Toy Guns should be called Shiny Toy FUN.

Last night was really effin cool. I went to the NO ON PROP 8 rally and I kept saying "I'm not even gay and I'm doing all this work, I'm rallying, volunteering, GOD - I at least better get some pussy tonight". As I was walking home, my friend Chelsea called and was like "Hey - do you wanna go to a private Shiny Toy Guns concert at the Viper Room? My friend can get us in for free and there should only be like 100 people there".

I was like "ummmmmmmmmm Yes!"

We went. It was rockin. Their music is really, really different - it's like they have no rules. It's sort of like computerized rock jam attack mixed with some ballots and rants and riffs with sweet beats sprinkled with funkadelic randomness. I mean - it's sooooo unique and not formulaic.

That's how I want my writing to be. Completely unique. No following rules or stylistic suggestions or themes - I want it to be whatever I make it and hope to God people fuckin get it. They will. Oh they will!

While I was listening to STG's jam...I was inspired by their guts on stage, their jumping around their chemistry. I wondered about how they (the band mates) all met, how long it all took them to "make it" and what their relationship is like now. I've always liked the Shiny Toy Guns - but not enough to research them and shit - so I don't know....maybe someday I'll find out but for now I sort of like not knowing.

My friend Chelsea wants to be a singer, she wants to have a band, she wants to rock like the mother fuckin Shiny Toy Guns.
I think she can do it.

Ok. I'm on deadline for a treatment that is due tomorrow. Why am I fuckin blogging right now? Why????

Ok. Bye.
Peace,
Amber

2008-11-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

Lets do this.

2008-11-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

VOTED AND GOT LOADED.

One of the above is not true, you guess.

Did you guess?

Ok. What's your answer? Whisper it into the computer screen.

WRONG! (Honking sound)

Wait, what did you say? Oh. Ok. You are right.

I voted and didn't get loaded (in anyway shape or form).

It was a cool experience. I went to Hart Park to vote, a dog park a few blocks away from my house. I didn't go at the dirty butt crack of dawn because I started my period today and felt like a pile of assholes. So, I slept in - then went. I waited an hour in line, I listened to my iPod and watched the dogs play. I used to take J.J. (the dog I adopted when I super stoned then had to give to my mom in CO) to that park. He loved that place. J.J.! I'll post a picture of him and me in honor of a black president.

Yeah, so it was cool. I needed a little help with my ballot thing b/c I'm retarded but it was fine. My landlord was there, I owe her 200 bucks. She doesn't even know who I am - it was hilarious. She's really, really old - but very very cute. She's old school hollywood, lots of make up, wearing a cute dress and acts very fabulous. She always volunteers to work at the polls and she was checking people's name off the list. I've never really officially met her b/c she never comes around I was sort of Grandfathered into my apartment. I had some problems with last months rent (bounced a check not really my fault, and still owe her two hundred bucks which is my fault) so I thought for sure when she saw me and I said "Hi, my name is Amber Tozer" then I had to tell her my address - she would for sure say something to me about the 200 bucks.

She didn't.

I think she has no idea that I live in her building even though I've been writing her checks for the past 2 and 1/2 years. It's awesome.

Anyway, after I voted in the most important election in World History (OBAMA) I couldn't find my iPod. I went back to my booth, interrupted the person voting, no dice. Talked to the people at the front desk thing, no dice. Asked around for about 5 minutes, no dice. I seriously thought someone had stolen it.

In my head I was like

"What the fuck? We are all voting and coming together in hopes of making this country a better place and someone takes my fucking iPod? I need to listen to Ani DiFranco sing Amazing Grace for my walk home! What's the matter with this country!"

Just as I was going off on a tangent in my head...one of the girls who was volunteer to remind people to vote No on Prop 8, asked me

"How did it go?"

I said: Great, but I lost my iPod!
Her: Are you sure it's not in your pocket?

Me (patted my pants pocket) Nope.

Her: Oh...man.

Me: (patted my hoody pockets, felt the iPod) OH MY GOD.

(pulled iPod out) HERE IT IS!

Her: I do that all of the time.

Me: I'm such an idiot.

Her: Have a good day.

Me: I am soooooooo retarded. Go Obama! Go gays! Go America! Go Ani DiFranco singing in my ear!

Her: Hahahahah.

I walked home and didn't even listen to my iPod.

Tonight I'm going to bop around a few parties ... and share the excitement with some friends. I really am excited about the future. Maybe I'm brainwashed by Obama's campaign, but who cares. I feel hopeful and I feel like things are going to change. And, if we all feel like that - we can collectively rally this mother fuckin country back to greatness.

I feel like America is a cocky teenager that "got what he/she had comin" but is now humbled and more experienced with a clear intention of working toward a better future for everyone. A cocky teenager that was only nice to the cool people (really rich people) but has learned big lessons in life and wants to be a better entity. I believe that Barack Obama will bring something this country has never seen before, beside being a black president, he'll bring truth, justice and chiggity change.

I'm going to be a stupid speech write someday !

No I'm not.

I'm going to take a shower now and think of a better tomorrow.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Tick tock tick tock - It's Monday morning 7 oclock.

Things are buzzin in the air...buzzin around my brain...bizz buzzin seems to be universal.

The words air, brain and universal all have the letters A I R in them. I like that....and air, brains and universal (s)
are really important to humans.

Anyway - I like when shit's buzzin all over the world ... do you? Like I can FEEL it - but not it that mercury is in retrograde type of way - I hate that bullshit. Do I believe things go bananas during mercury in retrograde? I do. But, this is different. This is not space induced - it's HUMAN induced.

THE MOTHER FUCKIN ELECTION. Tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up at the dirty butt crack of dawn to go vote. I can walk to the place I'm voting but I know it's gonna be banango-bongo-scary-like-hiking-in-the-Congo-but it should be a fun experience.

ANYWAY - besides the election - this week is going to be super busy. Please allow me to write out my to do list. Fuck that I don't need your permission...who in the hell do you think you are? Oh hi. Nice to meet you. Thanks for reading. You should read stuff from 2005 it's ridiculous.

This blog lately has been all "blah blah blah - my feelings my feelings" I know. I'm aware of this. BUT - it's going to be the key to my future. They say that when you keep a journal and you are honest about your feelings ...then you go back and read it -it acts as a map and you don't even realize it. I mean I know this "blog" isn't really my journal - I have a bunch of hand written ones - but this blog is totally like a 'censored' diary sprinkled with random stuff that attempts to entertain the masses. Hmph.

Anyway, what I'm about to write isn't going to be entertaining so go ahead and google pictures of weird diseases or something.

To do list for this week:

-Take care of cell phone
-Pay the rest of the rent (yee haw! I can do it!)
-Vote like a mother fucker (a nice one)
-Write treatment -turn in by friday (so jazzed about this)
-Book some more shows
-Hike 4 times
-Hit 3 meetings
-Spam column and first episode of NOW WHAT?
-Call Mike
-Email Jen, Cyn, Shan, and that one chick (forgot her name)
-Hash ideas out w/Joey
-Write a column
-MOVE DOWNTOWN INTO CONDO! (long story, it's only temporary. psyched to live downtown though and thankful for the opportunity)
-Work on side gig

Ok. I think that's it. Busy week? I don't know. I think I was born without a 'gage' - like I have no idea what is "a lot" or "a little". What the fuckever. I gots to go.

Happy voting and I hope a fart doesn't slip out of your ass today and embarrass you. I hope it slips out and entertains you.

Peace,
Amber

2008-11-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

The Election is near, don't be queer,
drink a beer, if you can handle it
punch holes in your ballot
vote for truth, change hope - Obama/Biden
we need not be frightened
of what's to come b/c we can't control "it"
you control you and then you can inspire
and people will desire what you have
then give it away freely.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

I'm going as an alcoholic this year. This robe is made out of Crown Royal bags. It's my Uncle Woody's - he likes whiskey. His liver stopped working. Trick or treat!

I thought about walking around as a YES ON PROP 8 sign here in West Hollywood (eliminates rights against same sex couples) - I would have gotten murdered ... or at least strangled with a boa until my brain died. Now that's a spooky Halloween. NO ON Prop 8 all the way cos I might be gay even if I'm not gay people are people and other people shouldn't be dicks about some peoples personal choices.

OH MY GOD - AND THANK YOU SAMA AND LES FOR THE DONATIONS. I can't believe it - thank you a million times backwards until you see dinosaurs and have a great story to tell your friends/and or grandkids. I'll make you proud one day - it'll be a Thursday during a leap year and the sun will be setting on the East Coast and the West Coast will be a memory in the corner of your mind - a misty water colored memory.

Huh?

No, seriously... it's the coolest thing ever.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-31T07:03:00.001-07:00

Hey Lo - J.Lo!

That would be crazy if Jennifer Lopez read this blog. It's even crazier that I would ever think of that as an option. I'm sure her twin babies will read this shit in the future. Twins are weird.

So - I've decided to blog about sobriety every month at the end of the month. On October 29th, I had 7 months of sobriety.
And sobriety is no booze, pills, weed, huffing paint and choking myself until I pass out (some people do this for a fun high).

I want to write about how it's felt this first year - because it's a been a doozy of a fuckbomb - emotionally, spiritually AND financially. You would think that I would have saved money b/c I stopped drinking and smoking - it's true. I hardly spend any money now - but my brain has taken on a new life and the receptors are re-adjusting so my ability to dive into a full time job, or to get into "hustle" mode hasn't been on the top of my priority list. Staying sober is #1 - and taking this first year to take care of myself is going to pay off in the future. I know it is.

I'm jealous of people who land in re-hab or a sober living home. Honestly - I always thought people had to go to rehab and sober living homes to just get away from booze/drugs..... when I heard someone was in re-hab for 6 months I was like "WHAT? SIX MONTHS? JESUS! GET IT TOGETHER!". Now I totally get it. You seriously have to re-program your brain and to be surrounded by people who know how you feel and are there to help you is so precious.

I'm proud that I was the one that plucked myself from the madness and got help (and I definitely got help from something bigger than me) - but it's hard to sit with myself and try to think my way out of shit. That's why working a program and talking to other alcoholics everyday has been KEY to staying sober. It's been soooooooo great and soooooooo scary. I have a sponsor that I adore so flippin much I can't stand it. I want to be like her someday - and the more and more I surround myself with people I want to be like - the more and more I act in a way that comes from an authentic, sincere place. It's very awesome.

As far as the process goes....

The first four months I was really happy because I was just grateful to NOT be on a hangover and I had a better understanding of "what was wrong with me". It was such a relief to be honest and to read about my disease and to know that there are millions of other people going through the same thing. The hard part part is dealing with what you haven't dealt with. It's sort of like post-traumatic stress or something. Something that has popped up in my emotions that NEVER did when I was drinking is my experience with September 11th. I NEVER EVER dealt with this. I still don't talk about it b/c it happened so long ago and it's so random to bring up now unless you talk about it from a political perspective.

I was at ground zero that day b/c I was working at a production company that sent me down there to "get real close and talk to people about what happend" while a cameraman filmed it. Nuts - and then I had to log footage (for my friends back home who don't know - it's when you type out the dialogue of what was recorded). So for hours and hours I would log footage of people crying and screaming and talking about the attack and how they knew someone who worked in the buildings or they were trying to get in touch with family members. Ugh. I did the work without emotion then would go home and drink my face off.

I remember that time sooooooo well b/c it's right when I started to do comedy and I was also trying to "drink less". Oh yeah, and the twins towers collapsed right before my eyes. I was walking around in debris ... I remember picking up pair of glasses and some office papers that somehow survived the collapse. (Just got chills).

Anyway...I don't want to write about this right now. Write right now - NO!

So the past three months have been the toughest but I'm bouncing back ... they say that the middle of your first year of sobriety is when you experience the most growth and it's really, really painful. So - I hope that part is over with. I think it might be... I'm moving on to step 10 of the 12 steps and I feel really, really good. I've let go of A LOT of shit and I've surrounded myself with other people who are working on themselves too.

It's been real nice, real nice!

And I want to say to those of you who send me messages about wanting to get sober or have been sober or whatever - THANK YOU. It's awesome. And for those of you who think you might have a problem ... just do your thing until you can't do it anymore. That's what happened to me. I would love to say "GET HELP NOW!" But - you have to really want it and if that means riding your addiction to the bottom of hell - go for it. Or, you could get help now. It's your life! YEAH!

Anytits - I really love it when people write/talk to me about sobriety ... so thank you for that!

Ok. I'm gonna go work on my abs b/c I'm vein.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman,

I'd like to present to you - the DONATE BUTTON! It's to the right, to the right - just click on it and send me some money - don't be tight.

Now this is my kind of job.

Sama - thank you for the suggestion. I'll pimp this shit out.

Good news (just so you all don't think I'm being lazy).

Book proposal is coming along - agent is waiting for it.

New angle on the animated series is a winner at the production company - pitching begins again soon.

Sold a web series - will publish first episode next week.

Got two side gigs TODAY. And, the rest is in motion if you have psoriasis get a lot of lotion.

I'm still super broke though so if you'd like to fund my new biz called FUNNY BUSINESS

please....

SEND ME THE MONEY! (Jerry Maguire style) .

Ok. Bye. Thank you.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

Still no job.

I've even started to stop caring about it. Seriously ... I feel like it's meant to be. Never in my life have I not been able to figure something out ... and I think I'm finally going to experience the pain of "not making the rent" for the first time ever. I mean, I have 2 weeks to figure it out and I have a master disaster of a plan - but it's going to work out. Everything usually does. Or ... worse case scenario it doesn't. Then what?

This sense of ease came over me the other night after I performed at a place called El Cid in Silverlake. The show was ok - the audience was mostly comics and I worked out a bit about how I trick guys into thinking I'm deaf at parties ... so it was totally worth the effort. But, what happened afterward was very cool.

This Rastafari guy - Bob Marley's cousin in fact (brag brag brag, I'm writing a lot about semi-celebrities lately, I'm an ass) but what the fuck ever. He's Bob Marley's REAL cousin and used to run with him back in the day and he still goes around performing and shit. Anyway he was at the show and told me I had good vibrations. I bet you if he knew I was blogging about this - he'd change his mind.

But - my point is...he calmed me. He's an older dude - in his 50's at least - maybe older. He walked me to my car and sang an impromptu song right in my ear. Then he sang a song to my car (to keep it safe). He sounds just like Bob! It was great...he asked me if I "sparked" and I told him "NOPE. I don't do anything anymore. I can't handle shit." He said "That's cool" then dug around in his pockets for a big joint.

Anyway... I've been in a great mood ever since. I'm still in the shit position (financially not bathroom-y) I was in last week when I was in a pure panic.

Perspective... I wish my brain would feel chill all of the time but I know the nonsense will creep back up very soon. Maybe I just need to hang with a Marley or maybe I need to partake in the big fat J.

No. I won't. I'm not messin with anything from the neck up. I wonder if I could get wasted through my butt hole.

That's gross.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

LA Clippers Vs. Phoenix Suns

Last night.

I went to this game with my friend Angie. Her sister works for the Suns. We got the whole VIP sha bang bang, meet the gang feel free to hang - type of treatment. The actual game was alright. The Suns won. Shaq and Steve Nash (point guard) didn't play. I guess early on in the season they bench the super bad ass players to rest their bodies b/c the games are that important.

Basketball to me is like riding a bike, I mean not really, you don't pedal in b-ball THERE IS NO PEDALING IN BASKETBALL! (saying that like Tom Hanks said his "No Crying in Baseball in the LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN"). But - I just remember so much of everything when it comes to basketball. Motion offenses, full court presses, I knew the players weaknesses by the end of the first quarter and eventually I stopped watching the game to talk to my friend Angie and some other friends of friends. It was just a fine time and it didn't cost me a dime.

After the game we got to hang out by the Suns locker room. Angie's sister introduced us to Shaq and he was SUPER COOL. So super cool. When my hand met his, I felt like my hand got lost in a sea of palm for a second. Honestly, I mean it's Shaq - we all know he's friggin huge, but too shake his hand - it's crazy. His hand should be in a museum. It's was nuts.

So, that happened.... then as we were hanging out outside the locker room I look over and I see STEVE KERR. For those of you who don't know who Steve Kerr is - it's ok. I was gonna go off - but who cares.

Ok. Steve Kerr is now the general manager of the Suns - but he used to play for the Chicago Bulls in the 90's. And, I was a b-ball bitch in the 90's and owned every pair of Air Jordans Nike made. Anyway, Steve Kerr was a CLUTCH player.

FROM WIKIPEDIA

Kerr played a major part of the Bulls' victory in the 1997 NBA Finals against the Utah Jazz. In the final seconds of Game 6, with the score tied at 86, he took a pass from Michael Jordan and hit the game-clinching shot. The Bulls would eventually win the game and earn back-to-back championships for the first time in four seasons. Kerr also won the 3-Point Shootout at the 1997 All-Star Game. Kerr also had a significant role in the 1998 Finals series against Utah: in the last minute of Game 2, he missed a three-pointer, but grabbed his own rebound and laid it to Michael Jordan who scored an easy lay-up. The play helped Chicago win this game and even the series at 1-1. The Bulls would eventually win the series in six games.

END OF WIKIPEDIA

DAMN! I totally remember his glory hole days. I mean glory days. I was screaming at the top of my lungs when every time he saved the effin day.

Anyway - I had no idea he was the general manager for the Suns. I'm not into professional sport anymore - but I saw him and I about went into convulsions. Like the same type of reaction I had when I saw Ryan Gossling. I was like "OH MY GOD IS THAT STEVE KERR!??" And my friends sister was like "Yeah". I lost it. Then she introduced me to him and I was like "I LOVE YOUR WORK!"

Jackass. It's not like he's a comic or something. But, whatever. He was super nice and I never thought I would get so excited to meet him.

Ok. This post wasn't funny - but whatever. I'm only one woman...or lady....or assface.

Hope you guys are well. Much love.
Peace,
Amber

2008-10-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a video that was made before YouTube was around. Before blogging was big and
before we knew that 8 minutes was too long for a short film.

Ladies and Gents - STU'S CULT - starring friends from NYC.

Jen Kirwin! I miss you.

Word.

Peace,
Amber

2008-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

I'm at a coffee shop in West Hollywood. Facts about my day today.

-I didn't shower

That's all I know for sure. The rest would just be my opinion.

Uggh. To be honest with you, I'm afraid to blog about anything truthful lately. I'm up for a few jobs and since my blog pops when you google my name I'm freaking out that people will judge my raw, raunchy, free style way of writing. I need a job. There is a part of me that is like "Eff it man, just be you. Say it like it is. You are an artist. Be the TRUTH." Then there is a part of me that needs a friggin job.

I've got a few opportunities boppin around my Universe - but nothing is solid yet. If I don't get something soon....shit is gonna
hit the fan - but the fan won't be turned on because I can't afford electricity. So, if the shit does hit the fan - it'll just stick the fan and not blow all over the place. That would be cool.

DAMMIT!

Everyone is soooo connected now. I don't like it. I'm "friends" with my friends kids on Facebook and MySpace and they are one
click away from this blog. I sort of liked it when I knew (or thought) no one was reading this thing. I still don't know who the eff reads this thing - but thanks to Facebook and MySpace ... I know whatever I publish - it's out there. It's weird that I'm paranoid about it now - and wasn't before. I guess because people used to sort of have to dig and put in an effort to find people on the Internet ... and most people don't give a shit about other people unless they are famous or they have a crush on them or something. But, now - everything is so effin fast...you could basically be thinking of the person and one of their "links" pops up.

It's flippin freaky. I just wanna lay in the sand and roast a marshmellow or some shit. I wouldn't eat the marshmellow b/c they gross me out - but I would totally roast the shit out of it and ask someone else they wanted it.

Maybe I'll go to the beach tonight.... yeah. I'm gonna go to the sandy beach and freeze my titty boners that I have for Ryan Gosling off.

Ugh.

If you are potential employer reading this...uumm. Hi. I'm detailed orientated. Not really, but I'm a shit ton of fun. And, by shit ton I mean a crap load.

Ok. Bye.

Peace,
Amber